Colorado Priest To Appoint Entire Parish Eucharistic Ministers

December 10, 2012 by  
Filed under Mass, Uncategorized

Loveland, CO––Saint Perpetua Parish Priest Father Nick Farley announced Friday that he would be appointing every single parishioner at his church an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. “In due respect to the amount of Extraordinary Ministers needed per mass, the adage ought to be, more the merrier,” Farley said. Farley later proudly added that all of his current Extraordinary Ministers are so extraordinary that they are not only able to distribute, but to smile as they do so; an aptitude that, Farley believes, is imperative to proper distribution. “We don’t want people receiving Jesus from the hands of somber looking priest, you know? A happy Jesus should come from the happy hands of a happy minister.” When asked whether appointing an entire congregation Eucharistic Ministers was excessive, Farley responded, “Absolutely not…just as each Christian is entrusted an individual Guardian Angel, so then should they be entrusted their own individual Eucharistic Minister.”


  • Pete

    Truly extraordinary! Some I know go the extraordinary effort of making their hands supple with lotion or their bodies heavily perfumed before distributing Our Lord. Gives him a “fantastic” flavor. Like the purest nard. I also like the extraordinarly common practice of ritualistically cleansing their hands with hand sanitizer prior to distribution. So many needless deaths prior to the advent of that sacramental.

  • Marc Massery

    This is the best article yet.

    • Elisha Hollwedel

      Marc, does that mean you don’t want to join my new Catechism Reading Group next semester? We’re using the Compendium of the Compendium of the Catechism for College Students, about which this website reported recently (my favorite article).

      • Catholic Coach

        I’m waiting for the Compendium of the Compendium of the Compendium to come out. 20 pages is just too long…how on earth can anyone be expected to have that kind of attention span???

  • Traditional

    Makes me sick. Pray for an end to this horrifying practice.

  • “So many needless deaths prior to the advent of that sacramental.” I KNOW! Remember how people would just drop like flies in the “gathering space”?

  • I know this is a satirical website, and I know that the Episcopal parish concerned probably doesn’t really exist, but….I do know of a real life Catholic parish where every parishioner has been installed as an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion (mercifully not mine, I hasten to add.) Regrettably, real life can sometimes make satire redundant.

    • Anthony McWilliams

      My Jesus, mercy.

  • Great! If someone hadn’t come up with this, I would have suggested affirmative action for Extraordinary Ministers (then again, yikes, Minister is a male noun…should be Ministrethren or Ministry People). There is very low diversity among them as they are overwhelmingly old and female.

    • Ministrethren! ha ha ha ha ha

    • Meronsque

      em…i dont know about you but in english we dont have gender specific nouns – therefor its neutral and in french its male and female, in italian it is feminine when it is singular and masculine when plural but then again they work on the basis that when its mized company it should be masculine…so dont know what your talking about

  • Michael Barsness

    I know this is satire, and maybe I’m just a know it all, but I’d like to point out the wrongs associated with this post. Not only are you using the incorrect language, extraordinary ministers of holy communion, which I don’t like because ministry is technically a theological term for priests as the proper minister of the Eucharist itself. I know even the bishops throw it around and we have to deal with the imprecise language in them, and many theologians since the council.

    • fr. c


      The proper term for non-ordained individuals who distribute Holy Communion at Mass IS “Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion.” The more common term “Eucharistic Ministers” which is improperly used because it refers to the ordinary ministers of the Eucharist, Bishops, Priests and Deacons, those in Holy Orders.

      The whole reason for the term EMHC is to make it clear to people that their service is “extraordinary,” not preferred practice of the Church and used (at least in theory) sparingly.

      If you don’t like the proper term EMHC, what term would you prefer?

      • Meronsque

        Thank you for saying what i was gonna say 🙂

    • Chris

      Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion is a real step up from “Eucharistic Ministers” which is what they were called in the Atlanta diocese just a few years ago. EMHC has at its core “extraordinary” which means they aren’t ordinary – they should only be used in out-of-the-ordinary circumstances – and that is a good thing because eventually this language will cause our leaders to slow down and think about whether we really have extraordinary circumstances every single time we celebrate Mass.

    • Meronsque

      em ministry is a word used in the church…its not a strictly theological term exclusive to our use! there is many ministries!

  • What’s wrong people? I don’t see any references to the Code of Cannon Law in the comboxes! And you call yourselves traditionalists?!?

    • Lucas

      I don’t see where exactly the readers of this website identified themselves as “traditionalists” – where exactly are you getting that fact? I would not consider myself a “traditionalist,” nor would any of my friends who habitually read this site; is it possible that what you mean to say is “orthodox Catholic,” (i.e., informed about and faithful to the official teachings of the Roman Catholic Church) which we would self-identify as?

  • Wait.
    A) EMHC receive Communion directly from the priest.
    B) Everyone is a EMHC

    So, everyone receives from the Priest.
    We’ve come full circle!

    • That was meant to be a sticking out tongue face, but appears to have turned out as a kind of scary grin. I’m officially abandoning smileys now. I’m going to have nightmares about that grin.

      • Alley Upta

        0 0

  • Magdalene

    Thank you for changing the name of the parish from the real parish in Loveland, CO to an imaginary one! The real parish is a wonderful one.

  • Another hilarious article! Thanks! But it is strange indeed to see that some readers don’t realize, perhaps, what satire is…????

    • Catholic Coach

      Whaaa??? It’s satire???

  • Sarx Discuss

    The parish I go to where everyone receives kneeling on the tongue distributes the Eucharist faster than the one where the priest first serves 20 Eucharistic Ministers who then distribute themselves throughout the church to serve us canaille.

    I get the joke. But why do we need EMHCs?

    • Gentillylace

      So the Precious Blood can be given to those in the congregation who receive Holy Communion? I suppose a deacon could do that, but deacons are not at every Mass.

  • Presbyter

    “One bread…one Body…”

  • Kevin McAuley

    Just to clarify, the Vatican has banned the use of the term “Eucharistic ministers” as shorthand for EMHC’s. There is only one Eucharistic minister, and that is the priest celebrating the mass. I know the site is joking, but I can’t stand the use of Eucharistic minister for the EMHC’s even in parody.

  • Maggie

    Yes, and it is advised that the people wear name tags so that the “Eucharistic Minister” can call them by name. They are instructed to look deeply into the eyes of each recipient and smile as they place the Host in every hand that presents itself. (no joke, I was trained this way in the early 2000s). And then at Holy Thursday we also have basins of water and towels all over the whole church so that we all wash each other’s feet (this is also true) so that no one is left without active participation.

  • dent909


  • Vince M Sr

    At least there won’t be a 20 minute wait in the line to receive from the EM.

  • Padre

    except Fr Nick, or just “Nick,” wouldn’t use the term “Extraordinary Ministers.”