Notre Dame Linebacker Duped Into Playing For Fake Catholic University

January 20, 2013 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads, Uncategorized

South Bend, IN––According to sources within the University of Notre Dame last week, star linebacker Manti Te’o was “duped” into attending and playing for what he believed to be a real Catholic university. The university told reporters that Te’o, who became the inspirational force behind the Fighting Irish’s Cinderella run to the BCS National Championship this season, was the target of an elaborate hoax perpetrated against him by Notre Dame officials. issued a news release Wednesday reporting that it could find no record of the university’s Catholic identity ever existing. A spokesman for Notre Dame confirmed to Eye of the Tiber that Te’o had indeed been the victim of a hoax. “Officials used a fictitious Catholic identity, and were successful in ‘ingratiating themselves’ with Te’o, then conspired with other school officials posing to be scholars, in line with the Magisterium. Later that week, Te’o sat down with ESPN, telling them that he was not as much devastated, as he was confused as to why Notre Dame would go through the effort to pull off the elaborate hoax. “I mean, I’m not even Catholic…I’m Mormon”, Te’o said. “What do I care about the Catholic Church and whether the university’s in line with the Magisterium? Kinda like them, I guess. I don’t know…the whole thing is just kinda weird.”

  • Mike

    Hey guys, his one’s not funny or in good taste. On behalf of the MANY faithful Catholics in the Notre Dame community who are proud to be domers AND fighting on the side of the Magisterium, this is neither an informed assessment of Our Lady’s University, nor good humor. I enjoy the Eye of the Tiber, but it would be best if this article were retracted. Thanks, and carry on the good work

    • Ever since the late 60s, when Fr Hesburgh sold the soul of Notre Dame du Lac to the Rockefeller Foundation for its filthy lucre, Notre Dame du Lac has done to Catholicism what phylloxera does to a vineyard.

      And after having done that, it STILL can’t win the Triple AAA NFL Farm Team Championship; and that is because Satan is the Commissioner of the SEC.

      BTW, because one of the sins crying to Heaven for Vengeance is depriving a laborer of his wages, how is it not a mortal sin for the Notre Dame du Lac Hierarchy to get all of the money generated by the players/laborers ?

      • Juliana

        Never occurred to me that *that* might be the reason for the SEC’s success, but now that you mention it…

        • AnneG

          Now, y’all wait just a minute. Bless your hearts, y’all do not know what you are talking about. Do y’all know how far Irondale, Alabama is from Tuscaloosa? I think it has more ato do with prayers coming the SEC and I’ll put that against fauxCatholic schools any day.

          • Shawn

            Nick Saban is Catholic, and celebrates mass before every game. The team chaplain is a priest.

    • I agree that Notre Dame doesn’t especially deserve excoriation for infidelity (though it’s surely worthy of some … c’mon, the abortionist-in-chief honor?). Not in a world where Georgetown, BC, Holy Cross, DePaul, Dayton, Xavier, Marquette … (pauses to catch breath …. starts another list) all exist.

      But nevertheless, lighten up … this is obviously an ingenious riff off current news. I can pretty much assure you that had the same thing happened to a basketball player on a Georgetown Final 4 team, we’d see the exact same joke.

    • Cassandra

      Hey Mike,

      The best way to fight for NU’s catholic identity would be to sue them for fraudulently taking tuition money under pretense of being a Catholic U.

    • JohnK

      Don’t be silly Mike. Do some investigating and report back to us with how many of the theology staff at ND have the mandatum. What percentage of the faculty are faithful Catholics? What percentage of the student body are faithful Catholics? You and your friends are in the minority and “MANY” is such a subjective term… Who is Richard McBrien for $1000 Alex.

      • I know. I know. Fr Richard McBrien is the Pauly Shore of American Theologians.

        • Spartacus,

          That’s an insult to Pauly Shore.

          • BMGrace

            Thanks for using Padre Pio as your profile pic!

    • Christina

      I think you are unwittingly acknowledging that you are faithful in spite of, not because of the University’s stance. You are also showing that you have no sense of humor or satire. This joke makes sense because everyone know NDs reputation in spite of the few Catholics attending who actually care about what’s right.

      • Mike

        I’d refer you all to Jack’s post below. He made my central point a lot better. Also addresses the “many” term which people have taken some issue with.

    • Tony
  • I must respectfully disagree with Mike. It’s a sad and confusing situation all around. But this is hilarious.

  • JohnE

    I found it funny. ND’s unfaithfulness, not so much.

  • Templar

    Next, will Te’o be duped into praying to “Blessed” Pope Paul VI?

  • Danny

    Brilliant piece! I hope ND returns to the fold someday but for decades they’ve been prostituting their Catholic heritage, bending over backwards to attain prestigious worldly academic institution status. I always hear from “Domers” that you can find orthodoxy in spots if you look for it. That is utterly pathetic. I know obedient Catholic alums who have wised up and given up on that school by refusing to continue to support the blasphemny that is Notre Dame. Personally, I’d send my kids to a big secular public university before I’d give ObamahonorarylawdegreeVaginaMonologuesHugeGayLesbianActivistCommunity Notre Dame a dollar of my money.

  • Jack

    So you think Catholic identity is dead at Notre Dame? A few points for thought:

    1) Notre Dame’s largest student run organization is its Right to Life club.

    2) This week, over 600 students and faculty from the University of Notre Dame will be traveling to Washington D.C. to LEAD the March for Life. We will be the ones carrying the official banner in the front.

    3) Notre Dame sued the Obama Administration over the HHS mandate.

    4) Notre Dame has a boss Knights of Columbus collegiate council with over 300 members. Last year, we raised over 78 thousand dollars (yes that’s right, $78,000) for charity. We used that money to buy two ultrasound machines for pro-life women’s care centers, which anyone will tell you are not cheap pieces of equipment.

    5) Notre Dame’s seminaries for the Congregation of Holy Cross (both the major and the minor seminaries: Moreau and Old College) are at a record high enrollment in decades and are filled with orthodox, zealous men committed to rediscovering the traditions and ideals of their Order.

    6) Daily mass is offered in all our dorms (which are single sex btw), as well as in the Basilica, as well as in chapels in our Engineering building and Law School. There are more than 350 masses offered on Notre Dame’s campus each week.

    Notre Dame is not perfect and we have a long way to go, but Catholic identity is far from dead at Our Lady’s University. I get really sick of defending the veracity of Notre Dame’s Catholic identity to uninformed traditional Catholics who ought to be allied with, not attacking, Notre Dame.

    • Dave

      Jack is right. Further, Fr. Jenkins also went to DC to take part in the March for Life.

    • Mary Lake

      Here, Here. Well said, Jack. As a Law alumna with a son on campus, I am happy to be one of the many (yes, I said “many”) faithful Catholics associated with Our Lady’s University. I wonder how many of the detractors here have actually set foot on campus, or taken advantage of the daily confessions and bounty of masses offered. I am happy to live within a half hour of campus, and blessed to be able to take advantage of these opportunities for grace. I love thee, Notre Dame, Our Mother!

      • I was going to go to Notre Dame to see the annual performance of “The Vagina Monolougues,” but tickets were too hard to come by.

        • Tim

          And for good reason: the V-monologues haven’t been performed on campus since 2008. If you were able to find any tickets to such a performance, I’d be more than slightly surprised.

    • Bruce

      And they crowned Obama publicly. Seriously, none of the things you mentioned matter because when it comes to major universities like this one, perceptions matter. The perception is that ND is Georgetown Lite on its way to the real, fake thing.

    • Dan

      Jack – I am sympathetic with your frustration but until folks like Fr. McBrien and the president are dealt with, it is irrational to expect support. Crying for support without these issues mitigated is like saying, “She is a great girl, the abortion was just a blip and doesn’t reflect on her essential character. Oh, yes, and the fetal alcohol syndrome with her second child just a momentary bad decision. Really, she is a good person and a solid Catholic.”

    • Spes Unica

      Thanks, Jack, and brother Knight from #1477! I can almost smell the steak sizzling…
      I know many faculty who get the Mandatum even though the university doesn’t require them to. ND is, for better and for worse, a good microcosm of the US Catholic Church. Like the American Church, there are boomer-aged crazies who will eventually retire and many young, zealous and faithful people who will replace them, and not soon enough. Patience and perseverance will win the day, and the school’s soul. Not easily, but assuredly.

      • “First of all, when if comes to a choice between money and principle, Catholic universities go for the money. ”

        Biology as the action that will set right all that is wrong with Notre Dame is to make of naturalism an idol.

        The Catholic Bisho must declare that Notre Dame du Lac is not Catholic and the University must purge the Jews from all Professorial positions – for starters – and publicly plight its troth to Catholic Tradition; and then, maybe, it could begin to retrace those deadly steps of the 60s.

        Anything else is just waking up the echoes of conservatism (which is aught but the weak tea of liberalism).

    • roger b.

      Thanks for the info Jack –

    • Deb Parise

      Whoa! I got holy spirit chills just thinking of all the available Masses!

    • Sean

      Interesting. All admirable points to be commended…but notice not a single one addresses the nonsense at the top and throughout the faculty…the source and the summit of the problems. “Not perfect” with “a long way to go” indeed. At what point Jack do you and the other defenders begin to get as insulted and fed up as the rest of us? Imagine the possibilities of redirecting the energy and vigor of your apologetic litany above toward creatively reclaiming your university. You too Dave, and Mary Lake, and Tim, and…

    • Jim

      To paraphrase G.K. Chesterton,
      Going to Church makes you a Christian the same way standing in your garage makes you a car.

  • Kevin

    I think that this is a great piece of satire. This could work for Georgetown and a few other of the “Catholic” universities as well. Mike, I am sure that there are MANY faithful Catholics at ND. There are MANY faithful Catholics at state universities as well. I think that this is aimed at the MANY teachers and administrators at ND that suit up to battle the church and its teachings on a daily basis. I, for one, could not be more excited about a resurgence of Catholic culture that could come from these wayward universities.

  • Gail Finke


  • Sam

    It’s not funny unless it hurts!

  • Bruce

    Best one yet!

  • Sid

    Masterpiece theater! You must admit, it was really funny. But saddly true.

  • Daver

    As in The Onion … it’s makes us cry to tell the truth. I’d just wish the ND faithfull would join together by NOT writing contribution & donation funds … then and only then might ND leadership take action.

  • victor

    This is the second-funniest piece ever written on this website. So I give it an A+.

    • what do you consider the funniest piece?

    • cagreat1

      I know my favorite one is the Jesuit dressing up as a priest for Halloween and not being able to pull it off.

  • kara

    ND clearly needs to begin supplying remedial humor classes to the student body, STAT. Here’s the thing, guys, its funny because it is satirizing a current headline. If you want to blame someone for this article, look no further than the football player with the fake girlfriend. If he hadn’t made headlines, EotT would not have had anything to riff off (this week) at your school.

    And Eye of the Tiber, thanks for the smile.

  • 61Domer

    Manti wasn’t duped. He enrolled at ND because it’s essentially a secular school, with only a veneer of Catholicity. He knew his Mormon beliefs would never be seriously challenged there, because ND would never even attempt to fulfill its Christian obligation to try to convert non-Catholics to the one true Faith.

  • Rock em Sock em

    Such anger here towards ND! It’s like people either have no sense of humor or they have no respect for intelligence within Catholicism.