Lazy Man Not Helping To Put Up Kneeler

West Bloomfield, MI––A source out of St. Ulric Catholic Church in West Bloomfield, Michigan confirmed Sunday that parishioner Alexander Ramsey had not lifted a finger to assist in putting up or down the kneeler for the consecration. “I can see he’s a really big guy, but come on…I know he can reach down a foot,” the source told Eye of the Tiber. “Or just use your foot, for goodness sakes. It’s not difficult…look,”... Read More

Catholic Blog Reader Patiently Waiting Opportunity To Lambast Someone On Thread

Tifton, GA–Catholic troll Phillip Karabin, writing under the handle P90XcelsisDeo, has been patiently scouring the internet looking to passionately defend everything he holds dear, his friends are reporting. Sitting at his desk in his mother’s basement for the past seven hours, Karabin has settled on a Catholic Answers Forums thread titled, Are Altar-Girls Allowed by the Church?  “This one’s right up my alley,” Karabin... Read More

Müller To Build Vatican II Theme Park

VATICAN–Speaking to the press Wednesday afternoon, Prefect of the Congregation of the Doctrine of Faith Archbishop Gerhard Ludwig Müller announced plans to create the first ever Vatican II theme park. “We’re very thrilled about the opportunities that the theme park will bring to the Church. In particular, we’re excited to see how it may become a tool for fostering a culture of open dialogue within a fun and exciting... Read More

Quick-Thinking Parishioners Rush Altar To Assist Lone Priest

Culver City, CA––Parishioners of St. Raymond Catholic Church in Culver City, California were forced to jump into action during Mass early Monday morning when it appeared that only one priest would be available for the consecration. According to sources at the scene, parishioners went into a frenzy when it appeared that visiting priest Fr. Bryce Carbone was close to saying the words of consecration all by himself. “Our regular pastor, Fr. Ed,... Read More

Area Parishioner Reporting He’s Not Gay; Ain’t Gonna Hold Another Man’s Hand During Our Father

Fort Worth, TX––77-year-old Richard Kantor of Fort Worth, Texas is reporting at this hour that he ain’t no gay, and therefore not gonna hold another man’s hand during the Our Father. “I ain’t gonna do it. Never did, never will. Wanna hold my hand, ask me on a date; but don’t expect nothing less than a whack upside the head with this here stick, you hear me?” Kantor, who says he typically prefers Latin Mass... Read More

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