Pope Michael Doesn’t Know What All The Commotion Is About

February 11, 2013 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads, Uncategorized

Belvue, KS–Sources close to Pope Michael are strongly denying reports out Monday morning claiming that the pontiff will be retiring at the end of February. “His Holiness is deeply saddened by all the lies and hullabaloo that have been spread about him in the papers this morning stating that he is retiring due to health issues,” a source reported to his mailman. “His Holiness is in perfect health…in fact, he has all the energy and vigor of a 56-year-old layman from Kansas.” Another source, his auntie, who was present at the press conference with the mailman also went on to affirm that Pope Michael was in good health, saying that he was at that moment excersising on the trampoline in the backyard. At press time Pope Michael was being informed that the news coverage was actually covering the retirment of Pope Benedict XVI, to which he is reported as bitterly responding, “Oh…that guy.”

  • Is he the one with chicken wire surrounding his hut? I recall seeing black and white pictures of an American “pope” back in college. You could see goats running in the background.

    • adam781

      That was the late Pius XIII, also known as Fr. Lucien Pulvermacher, OFM Cap. He died a couple of years ago, leaving the see of the “True Catholic Church” once again vacant.

  • Panda Rosa

    Seriously doubt it will happen, but what if the College of Cardinals does elect already-Pope Michael to the vacant seat in Rome? that’s one way to reconcile a wayward branch.

    • mezimm

      Problem is, you can only be Pope if you’re Catholic.
      *padum ksh*

  • Mr. WAC

    More like a wayward twig.

    • Catholic Coach

      More like the slenderest sliver of the teensiest twig. (no charge for the alliterations:)

  • Anna Dawson

    My husband told me earlier that he found Pope Michael’s statement and left the link up. Imagine my giggles when I saw it was Eye of the Tiber. So I told him this is like the Catholic answer to The Wittenburg Door. But it’s so spot on in this case that satire doesn’t quite cover it (because he really is that kooky).

  • Elisha

    I’m so glad EOTT ran this piece – not only ran it, but nailed it: yesterday’s news had me thoroughly shaken up, and this is exactly what I needed. Well done, and thank you.

  • Yay! It’s been a while since we’ve had a good Pope Michael story.

  • Fr D

    It is sad that the reality seems just as much a farce as the fiction.

  • Pope Michael is a punk and his charisma is such that it would flounder in the Holy Water of the Tiara of the great Pope Gregory XVIi and in which Tiara he kept Goldfish – fish made out of Gold – and so, given all of the fish references so far, I’ll bet you a fin that he was the bestest faux-Pope of the past century.


    • Panda Rosa

      I just looked at that page, and all I can say is, “Oookaaayy….”

    • Jeff

      No! ! ! I was hoping the next pope to take Gregory as his name! I guess it would give too much publicity to this heretic…

      • Allie Toner

        I love the name Gregory. It means “the watchful one.”



    • Viterbo Fangirl


  • I read somewhere (on Michael’s website, I think) that he fond some rogue “bishop” to “ordain” him as priest then bishop.

    • el ingeniero loco

      that’s what he claims on his you tube channel (sorry morbid curiosity and I know it killed the cat) I believe he says he has the Tuch line of succession. so it was not even a rougue bishop but someone concecrated by a rogue Bishop.

  • Charles Heintel

    I dont think he ever even got ordained by a rogue bishop… but for some reasons he still tries to celebrate mass

  • fredx2

    Who’s this “Pope Benedict”?