New Calcedonia, Mars––Thousands of New Calcedonian martians from the northern quadrant of sector 490-3t protested outside New St. Peter’s today as bishops began talks on a number of heated issues including inter-species marriage and receiving communion in the pinchers. “The faithful and bishops alike are hoping to cover all the core issues that the average Catholic martian on the planet’s going through; issues such as understanding ‘the fall’ in regards to the martian race, and of course, receiving communion in the pinchers as opposed to one of the tongues,” spokesman for the Church in sectors 490-3t and 490-4t Androm’da Zmit told the press outside New St. Peter’s Square. “I have faith that our Holy Father Beeblebrox XV, together with the bishops, will be able to guide the faithful in these decisions…to help them better understand how he, she, or heshe can better telecommunicate the gospel.” One issue receiving lots of attention is that of intergalactic marriage. The question of whether humans could lawfully marry martians was first thrust into the spotlight when well known intergalactic space hockey player Xed Zardox fell in love with martian actress Trillion Pan Vogon, causing a storm of controversy. Other issues the bishops are considering are whether it’s admissible to form crop circles outside one’s own property and whether human probing is to be allowed during Lent.
Berkley, CA–University of California, Berkeley student Emanuel Ramsey revealed to Eye of the Tiber today that he was extremely nervous about possibly coming out of the closet to friends and fellow classmates about his opposition to gay marriage. The 20-year-old sophomore reported that he always felt like something was different about himself, saying that he first felt the “burning desire” to stand up against gay marriage when he was just a little boy. “My friend’s parents were lesbians,” Ramsey said. “I remember going to his house to play, and thinking all I wanted was to just leave…to just go home to witness the tender, heterosexual love of my mother and father…but I felt so ashamed.” Ramsey, who has toyed with the idea of coming out of the closet for some years now, went on to say that growing up in Berkeley, he always felt that he would be ridiculed and picked on if he ever came out against gay marriage. ”Look…I’m scared of disappointing my friends, my peers, and even some people at my parish…but the fact is that I’m more afraid of continuing to disappoint myself. I’ve been living a lie and I can’t take it anymore. I’m tired of hiding who I really am.” At press time, Ramsey has taken out an old, dusty photo of Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone hiding in his sock drawer, longing for the day he can finally, proudly put it up in his dorm room.
ENGLAND–The Most Reverend Justin Welby was formally enthroned earlier today as the Anglican Church’s 105th Archbishop of Canterbury. The ceremony took place in the 900-year-old Canterbury Cathedral in southern England, where Welby told those in attendance that he hoped to usher the Anglican community toward a more “Christ-liberated courage” in regards to acceptance of all lifestyles. Dressed in a cope, stole, and ornate, golden mitre, Welby symbolically struck the cathedral’s west door three times with his staff to formally request admittance into the cathedral. During the enthronement address, the archbishop challenged opponents of gay marriage to find exactly where in the Bible it said, “a man can’t marry another man.” “I say to you today, that it cannot be found,” the archbishop went on after a few minutes of silence. “But rather, let us look to 1 Corinthians 1:10, word 9, ‘Homosexuals’…then to Colossians 2:23, word 3, ’May’…then to 1 Corinthians 7:28, word 5, ’Marry’…and finally to Jeremiah 23:35, words 8 and 9, ‘One another.’”
Washington, DC––Vice President Joe Biden announced today that he was stepping down as Vice President just hours after an altercation on the phone between Biden and President Obama regarding the sanctity of life. This comes on the heels of Biden’s visit with with Pope Francis after the conclusion of the pope’s Installation Mass, in which Biden could be heard uttering the words “what have I done…what have I done.” “It appears as though Mr. Biden has had a change of heart with regards to the abortion issue after his meeting with the pope earlier today,” U.S. Press Secretary Jay Carney told the press moments ago. “He [Biden] called President Obama and informed him that he could no longer stand by as millions of babies were aborted. He also said that he had confessed his sins and now looked to remain in good standings with the Church and the good Lord. He also urged President Obama to make peace with God.” Although the full details of the phone conversation have been slow to come out, Washington insiders have said that after a heated debate about when life begins, Biden told President Obama that he was stepping down ”effective immediately” to live a life of prayer and meditation. Biden aides have yet to comment on the details, but have confirmed reports that the former vice president had placed a call to Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI about staying with him until he could get an abandoned monastery of his own to live out the rest of his life. At press time, a bare-chested Biden was seen on his knees outside St. Peter’s Basilica, repeatedly lashing himself as he screamed the words “mea culpa” in reparation for his sins.