As Syrian Conflict Intensifies, New Jersey Man Urges God To End Jets Quarterback Controversy

August 30, 2013 by  
Filed under Politics

Jets QB Controversy

East Rutherford, New Jersey––As U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry effectively set out a case for missile strikes on Syria this morning, New York resident Alan Jones has intensified his prayers for God Almighty to resolve the quarterback controversy brewing in New York. Jones reported to EOTT this afternoon that after having accidentally stumbled upon a Fox News “Alert”  yesterday showing Pope Francis and Jordinian King Abdullah... Read More

Android Priests Being Developed To Help Say Mass, Hear Confessions

August 27, 2013 by  
Filed under Mass

Prototype clergydroid Fr. SRT4-11392 celebrating its first wedding ceremony. Vatican––The Vatican has confirmed reports today that an agreement has been reached with the International Federation of Robotics (IFR) to begin development of what they are calling “Clergydroids.” The news comes as relief to many seminary directors around the world that have seen their numbers plummet in the past few decades. “With so little priests and so... Read More

Pope Francis Calls Zack Snyder To Complain About Choice Of Ben Affleck For Batman

August 23, 2013 by  
Filed under Vatican

AffleckBatman

Hollywood, CA––”Hello, it’s Pope Francis,” were the first words spoken during a conversation in which His Holiness telephoned Zack Snyder, director of the upcoming film “Man of Steel 2.” “Hello Your Holiness,” answered a dazed Snyder, no stranger to celebrities but still star struck to be speaking to the Holy Father, the Vicar of Christ on earth. “Listen, I’ll get to the point,” said Pope... Read More

New California Law Forces Parishes To Switch To E-Thuribles

August 22, 2013 by  
Filed under Politics

Thurible

Sacramento, CA––A new  ban on thurible smoke will take effect in all California churches beginning in 2014 State officials are now confirming. The ban, which comes decades after a 1995 ruling that banned all smoking in enclosed workplaces in California, is set to take effect in all Catholic churches across the state. Governor Jerry Brown (D) of California told the press Thursday that he hoped the move would help pastors who consistently used incense during... Read More

Maestro Who Conducts Symphony With Back Facing Audience Labelled Radical Traditionalist

August 18, 2013 by  
Filed under Mass

Orchestra

After conducting his first symphony since being named Maestro of the New Mexico Philharmonic, Chinese-born Li Wei Chen has been under heavy scrutiny from longtime patrons for conducting Beethoven’s famous 9th Symphony while facing the orchestra. Season subscriber Lance Humphrey told EOTT that he was offended that Chen did not conduct facing the audience like their old maestro. “Look, I understand that the symphony is still the symphony... Read More

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