Disobedient SSPV Woman Wearing Shoes In Kitchen

September 17, 2013 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Fillmore, NY–Local member of the Society of St. Pius V Marisa Conti reported Tuesday that she planned to wear shoes in the kitchen despite a recent ruling by SSPV and her husband rejecting her request to wear shoes into the kitchen. “You know…putting on a pair of shoes before entering the kitchen will most certainly be the single most exhilarating moment of my life. I’m actually scared that, not being used to the feeling of... Read More

Pope Francis Bows To Refrigerator, Houseplant

September 12, 2013 by  
Filed under Vatican

VATICAN CITY–As head of state at the Vatican, as well as leader of the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics, Pope Frances broke protocol yet again this morning when he bowed to his houseplant moments before watering it. Francis, who has made ignoring protocol and tradition a trademark of his papacy, went on to bow to his refrigerator moments before extending his hand to open it. “This man is absolutely fascinating,” the Pope’s photographer,... Read More

Area Man Gives Himself Dispensation From Mass In Honor Of Solemnity Of NFL Week 1

September 8, 2013 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Baton Rouge, LA–Baton Rouge Catholic Julian White announced early Saturday that he has granted himself a dispensation from going to Mass this week in honor of the long-awaited start of the NFL season. “The dispensation is given with the recommendation that I honor week 1 of the NFL season by praying that I made the correct Fantasy lineup changes,” White said in a written statement to his wife posted on the fridge. “Furthermore,... Read More

The Dark Lord Sauron To Head Upcoming LCWR Annual Assembly

September 5, 2013 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

MORDOR––Sister Florence Deacon announced today that the upcoming annual assembly for the Leadership Conference of Women Religious would be taking place at the smoldering base of Mount Doom in Mordor, and would be lead by the Dark Lord Sauron. The announcement came in a joint statement between LCWR leaders and numerous well know officials from the lands surrounding Mordor including Azog the Defiler, Uruk-hai Scout Captain Ugluk, Orc Captain of... Read More

Vatican Picks Up Free Agent Tim Tebow

September 2, 2013 by  
Filed under Vatican

VATICAN––Last year, after being released by his second NFL team, Tim Tebow sat unclaimed on the unrestricted free-agent market. Then in June Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots took a chance at the former Heisman winner from Florida. But recently, after what has been described by many as an unproductive pre-season, Tebow was released from New England, becoming a free-agent yet again. Then enter the Vatican. One Vatican insider Monsignor Ronaldo... Read More

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