Fear Of Elderly Vatican Priests, Nuns Violently Storming U.S. Embassy Reason For Relocation, U.S. State Department Confirms

December 1, 2013 by  
Filed under Political

A security guard outside the U.S. Embassy to the Vatican checks for dangerous religious medals.

A security guard outside the U.S. Embassy to the Vatican checks for dangerous religious medals.

ROME––The recent decision to close the current “free-standing”  U.S. Embassy to the Holy See was made because of “growing fears of a Benghazi-like terrorost attack” led by 60 to 90-year-old zealot priests and nuns stationed in the Vatican, the U.S. State Department confirmed today. The decision has led to sharp criticism by Vatican officials who say that the U.S. has not clearly specified any plot to overtake the embassy. But U.S. intelligence officials say they have been tracking a growing threat against American and Western targets from Vatican’s affiliate organizations and religious orders for the last several weeks. There has been additional intelligence about a potential attack on the embassy to the Holy See by several leaders of religious orders near and within the Vatican, leading to the Obama administration’s decision to shut down the embassy, and to warn publicly of the threat, U.S. officials tell EOTT. “Based on the intelligence,” officials say, “there is particular concern about the U.S. Embassy at this time. Today marks the beginning of Advent, and officials say they are concerned about attacks in the days to come.” The official went on to tell reporters that a higher-than-normal threat stream coming from telephone intercepts have revealed that at least two religious orders have made clear their intentions on “walking to the embassy very, very slowly, and after a little break to catch their breaths, to potentially pelt the embassy with Miraculous Medals.” “We need to take every precaution that we can,” one official said. “Some zealots are very, very angry about the Obamacare mandate requiring that insurance provide free coverage for contraception and sterilization services and drugs they consider abortion-inducing. We believe they may be planning to attack with other religious medals as well, and to violently say rosaries in front of the embassy to perhaps try and convert the hearts and minds of U.S. officials. We must take every precaution that such a thing does not happen.”

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  • Is this satire?

    This can’t be real….is it?

    • Jason

      Yes, it’s satire. It’s sort of the Catholic Onion. Enjoy :)

  • AnneG

    As someone who has been on the receiving end of nuns vying for seats at midnight mass at St Peter’s, I believe it! They can be pretty tough.