Germany Abdicates World Cup Championship; Argentina To Assume Title

July 13, 2014 by  
Filed under Vatican

BRAZIL––The German National Team today stunned soccer fans across the globe with their announcement that they would abdicate the World Cup title, effective today. FIFA, the international governing body of association football, said today it has voted the largely unknown Argentinian National Team to assume the title of champions of the soccer world. In a statement issued today, the German National Team wrote: “…in today’s game,... Read More

Most Doctrinally Sound Sermon Given On The Catholic Faith In Past Three Decades Unfortunately Given By Protestant Pastor

July 10, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

San Marcos, CA–What some are calling the most mesmerizing, breathtaking, and doctrinally sound sermons delivered on the Catholic Faith in the past three decades was unfortunately given at the noon service at Deluge Community Church in San Marcos, California last Sunday. “It was so thrilling to learn about what the Catholic Church teaches,” said cradle-Catholic Helen Seymour, who accidentally stumbled into the Protestant church service during... Read More

God Apparently Hates Brazil

July 8, 2014 by  
Filed under Politics

Kingdom of Heaven––Speaking from His Eternal Throne of Cherubim, God the Creator of all that is visible and invisible confirmed today that while His Love for all mankind is as boundless as the sand on the seashore, He is “not a fan” of Brazil.   “From the beautiful beaches of its coast along the Atlantic to its lush rain forest surrounding the Amazon River, the Almighty harbors a deep and serious hatred for the country of... Read More

Search Intensifies For Missing Reverence During Mass

July 7, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Sierra Nevada–More than five dozen searchers scoured the Sierra Nevada foothills for the missing reverence at a Mass at the Church of St. Margaret Mary Alacoque yesterday. Reverence was due to appear promptly for the 9am Mass, but two hours after the Mass had concluded, a search began with helicopters, including a National Guard Blackhawk, looking for any signs of reverence. Using thermal infrared technology, searchers have still not been able to... Read More

Diocese Of Gaylord, Michigan To Change Its Name To Peoplewhostrugglewithsamesexattractionlord, Michigan

July 3, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Peoplewhostrugglewithsamesexattractionlord, MI—Parishioners in the Diocese of Gaylord, Michigan are being asked by their new Bishop, Steven Raica, to begin referring to themselves as Peoplewhostrugglewithsamesexattractionlordians. The news came just days after Raica was installed Bishop of the flamboyant Roman Diocese. Raica told parishioners during his first homily as Bishop that, basing his decision on Sacred Scripture, that all Catholics residing... Read More

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