Vatican Threatens To Relocate Holy See To Los Angeles If Rome Doesn’t Build New Retractable Roof Basilica

Meeting with Rome Mayor Ignazio Marino’s nine-member basilica advisory group for the first time this week, representatives of the Catholic Church provided a blunt assessment on the city’s effort to build a new retractable roof basilica that would keep the Church in Rome. Giuseppe Bertello, the Church’s President of the Pontifical Commission for Vatican City State and point person on the basilica issue, provided a copy of the remarks... Read More

Local Catholic To Substitute Medium Deep Dish Stuffed-Crust Pizza For Meat On Fridays During Lent

Local Catholic Ronny Edison announced today at a local Papa John’s Pizza that he was officially not eating meat on Fridays during Lent, in accord with teachings of the Church. The 24-year-old cradle Catholic explained to strangers waiting in line the reason why he had not ordered pepperoni or sausage on his pizza, saying that Catholics were forbidden to eat meat during Lent, going on to remind them that they too were obliged to fast if any of... Read More

Catholic Dimwit Didn’t Even Know Wednesday Ashes Come From Cremated Pets

Local Catholic dimwit Elton Price admitted to friends today that he had absolutely no clue that ashes used during Ash Wednesday Masses came from cremated pets. The parish ignoramus, who up until last week didn’t even know that Catholics worship Mary, thought that ashes actually came from branches used in the prior year’s Palm Sunday services, one friends reported to EOTT. “Elton has never been the sharpest tool in the shed,” longtime friend Richard... Read More

Raymond Arroyo Apologizes For False Story About Being Hit By Cannonball During Battle Of Lepanto

The World Over Live anchor Raymond Arroyo apologized Wednesday for falsely claiming that he had been aboard a ship that was hit by a cannonball during the battle of Lepanto in 1571, EOTT is reporting. On last Friday night’s broadcast, Arroyo cited “a terrible moment a few centuries back during the Holy League’s war against the Ottoman Empire when the ship I was traveling aboard began to sink after being hit by a cannonball. I was rescued,... Read More

Last Male Altar Server In U.S. Quits; No Longer Wants To Do Girls Job

The last male altar server in the United States has officially called it quits, the boy’s family is reporting this morning. The 3-year altar server veteran, who remained at his post as cross bearer despite pressure from the community to wear heels or quit altogether, served his final Mass on Sunday morning. Devin McAlister, who claims he was made fun of by friends at school for doing a “girls job” told EOTT that many in the community... Read More

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