Catholic Dimwit Didn’t Even Know Wednesday Ashes Come From Cremated Pets

February 17, 2015 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Local Catholic dimwit Elton Price admitted to friends today that he had absolutely no clue that ashes used during Ash Wednesday Masses came from cremated pets.

The parish ignoramus, who up until last week didn’t even know that Catholics worship Mary, thought that ashes actually came from branches used in the prior year’s Palm Sunday services, one friends reported to EOTT.

“Elton has never been the sharpest tool in the shed,” longtime friend Richard Tower said. “One time I saw him reading the Bible and I had to stop him and tell him that the Church suppresses Catholics from reading it. I remember him being really confused about this and asking me why we as Christians weren’t allowed to read it. I simply reminded him that we’re Catholics, not Christians. Big difference there.”

Tower went on to point out a few other instances where Price proved himself to be a complete moron, including the time [Price] did not know that the Pope is at all times infallible and impeccable, or that Constantine, not Jesus, actually invented the Catholic Church.

At press time, Tower has taken away Price’s science text book, reminding him that science is “Satan’s bible.”

  • T. Audrey Glamour

    So…um…where do they get the…um…pets to…um…cremate?

    Is this why they have the blessing of animals in October?

    • AreAy

      Will you marry me? I’m Catholic.

      • antigon

        Get in line, Areay!

        • AreAy

          I will fight you. *throws glove*

          • antigon

            But…I wasn’t in line yet! *steals glove*

    • fredx2

      The priests steal them from little old ladies they visit. Also, when extraordinary ministers take communion to shut ins, they usually grab a cat on the way out.

      • PJParks

        That is just the stomp down funniest thing I have read in ages.

      • Mara319

        Are animal rights activists tamer than the cigarette police? Where fonts have been emptied to replace the holy water with cigarette ashes, I noticed a few butts remaining.

        Just hope your Ash Wednesday smudges don’t have animal butts in them…that wouldn’t be politically correct.

  • I nearly spit out my cookie when I got to “Catholics worship Mary”…

  • Diffal

    Honestly catechetical formation is in such a sorry state these days. Next thing he will be telling us he believes in gravity and electromagnetism. Palm branches indeed! Sheesh!!

  • Jenna McCoy

    Thanks for making coffee shoot out of my nose.

    • fredx2

      Thanks to you for making nose shoot out of my coffee.

      • Craig Downes

        Thanks to you for making coffee nose out my shoot.

      • Howard

        It’s better than finding your nose missing, only to later see it riding in a carriage and impersonating a gentleman. (Nikolai Gogol must have been doing some serious drugs.)

  • pegleggreg

    everybody knows those ashed are from sacrified Jewish babies

  • …and to mutts you shall return.

    • Howard

      To be fair, that phrase is only used in the Buddhist Ordinariate.

  • Timotheos

    What a chump! Next thing you know, he’ll be saying here in the comment box that Eye of the Tiber is just a parody site and not the #1 most accurate source for Catholic News…

    • Still more accurate than the Reporter.

      • fredx2

        Way more accurate,

    • I will respect a site more that breaks News than one that merely reports broken news.

  • Sarah Harris

    Catholics don’t worship Mary! We worship statues of Mary. Anathema for realz yo.

    • Aristo Kratte

      This is a satire site.

      • Sarah Harris

        Soooo, are you saying Catholics really do worship statues of Mary or did you just not read my whole comment. ;)~

        • antigon

          Of course we do. Mr. Kratte doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

          • wlinden

            Nonsense! Everybody knows that you worship the POPE.

          • B. Convert

            Statues. Pope. Bread. And don’t forget replacing the pantheon of gods with the saints.

          • antigon

            We *used* to, but not since Paul VI said we had to be nice to cadami… I mean, folk with a peculiarly disordered passion. Aubernon Waugh cleared that up when he announced that ‘I understand some of the more violent lesbian types try to bite your finger if you offer them a scone! This time the Pope has gone too far!’

    • Mara319

      Well, for a while we worshipped banners, not statues.

  • Wile Mutt

    What is wrong with you? Ashes for Ash Wednesday DO come from palm fronds from the previous year’s Palm Sunday. Grow up. You are just plain, a whack job.

    • Andy, Bad Person

      Ugh. So disappointing. I just made it through all the Facebook comments and then all the comments here. You’re the last one listed and the FIRST to not realize it’s a satire site.

      • AreAy

        There’s always one.

        • That’s part of the funny 🙂

      • Wile Mutt

        Ha ha. Yes, and you’re the first one to NOT realize that I know it’s a satire site. It was my satire on your satire. All in all–it’s just a plain, stupid site.

        • Tina Hoffman

          …and you were just OWNED by it. Even though you didn’t know it was a satire site, you still miss the joke. Disappointing.

          • Wile Mutt

            Well, since we are in Catholic Country, I will speak in that vernacular: Oh, poo!

        • Adam Hovey

          @wilemutt:disqus I think you are telling a lie. Say one Hail Mary, and do an act of charity. I can’t give you absolution because I am not an ordained presbyter or bishop. But I am making a suggestion because I need money.

          • Wile Mutt

            Here is the online Dictionary’s definition of “satire”:
            “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.”
            Too bad that this site is top-heavy (or in this case, bottom-heavy) on the ridicule and criticism parts of this definition. Maybe try some actual humor.
            Adam – you will need to hold your tin cup elsewhere and best of luck with the dead animal ashes today. Remember that spiders and snakes are part of the animal kingdom, too. Some consider them “pets”. When Peter exclaimed in the Garden, “Surely, it is not I?” The Lord said, “Yes, I’m afraid it is–and…don’t call me Shirley.”

          • antigon

            Hold on to that day job Wile!

          • Wile Mutt

            I love my day job! Especially on Sundays when I get to tickle the ivories & get paid to boot! Yee ha!

  • Jim

    I’ve been worried about this ever since all the Pope talked about animals going to heaven not long ago. If the resurrection of the dead happens on Ash Wednesday, you may end up with a resurrected Great Dane sitting on your head.

    • Howard

      To say nothing of the 4-H steer you ate on Fat Tuesday.

  • FatherCasey Floyd Jones

    The Resurrectafix is a nice touch! I bet this moron dosn’t even know that we don’t use Cricifiixes any more because Vatican II, yo.

    • LatinMassType

      I think it’s lovely that they put the Blessed Mother on that cross! I wonder where I can buy one. It would look really nice watching over my angel collection!

      • Martha

        ohmigosh. ;,D

  • Carlos Felsen

    He should consider himself lucky. For less than that we burnt in the stake and tore Galileo’s head and limbs from his body.

  • Catherine Wood

    priceless satire

  • richardsilao

    Ashes come burnt Palms. Catholics do not worship Mary. We venerate her along with the saints. Catholic along with Orthodox are Christians. I think both Price and Tower are Wackos.

    • Chris Lewis

      Satire site. Intended to be a joke. Calm down.

      • richardsilao

        AOK!

      • Wile Mutt

        As the hysterical, dyslexic tour guide in the museum exclaimed when the fire broke out: “Remain clam, remain clam!”

    • Wile Mutt

      Yes, I think so too. Too bad I have to go to work now and must take a hiatus from all this so very hilarious frivolity!

    • JR

      No way! I was told that the ashes come from burnt Psalms. Ya know, from the bibles the pope confiscates from Catholics who don’t know the church forbids bible reading!

      • Diffal

        That makes a lot of sense, I mean you couldn’t just have them sitting about gathering dust. What if someone found them!
        Much more sensible to burn them and place them on your forehead.

        • LadyAnneJT

          Absorb them by osmosis, perhaps?

    • Evans Juice Julce

      Got ’em. Welcome to the Tiber. The water is icy and satiric.

    • Wile Mutt

      w-h-a-c-k-o-s

  • Jim

    This also kinda gives “Spot on the forehead” a whole new meaning. Ya know?

  • wlinden

    And doesn’t he know that Catholics are forbidden to believe in evolution?

  • wlinden

    I tried to join the Knights of Columbus, and they told me I had to swear to kill all heretics.

    But wait! How am I reading this, when TheChurch is against Science?

    • Howard

      Like I told a Protestant colleague, the sword is only symbolic. We use machine guns for the real fighting.

  • SnowCherryBlossoms

    It’s against the Rules to laugh this hard on Ash Wednesday. We’re all going straight to Purgatory, I just know it!

    • I certainly hope so 🙂

      • SnowCherryBlossoms

        lol, good one! 🙂

  • Priscilla Gonzales

    For those who are not Catholic and actually believe this funny sarcastic article…
    1. we use palms not cremated animals
    2. we don’t worship Mary or statues, we ask her to intercede to Jesus for us
    3. We are encouraged to read the Bible
    4. we like science
    5. we are Catholics but Christians first.

    • antigon

      ‘we are Catholics but Christians first.’
      *
      But Ms Gonzales, that’s like saying we worship the Holy Ghost, but God first.

  • Now I know why Snuggles gave me a dirty look after I came home from Mass tonight.

  • Wile Mutt

    Since we Catholics are all supposed to be “e”-Vangelists and “e”-Vangelize, I suggest that someone start a new satire site for the ISIS and/or supremacist narcissists in our world. Who knows? They might dig it. Just be sure to post as “guest.” Oh, wait! On second thought, that would negate the honor and possibilities of becoming a martyr. Dang.

  • Gloria in Excelsis

    Holy catfish! Who da thunk it!