Illuminati Gives Pope Francis Two-Year Extension

March 27, 2015 by  
Filed under Politics

In a private meeting with cloaked members of the Illuminati this morning, Pope Francis reportedly signed a two-year extension to his pontificate, with a 3-year possible extension after that.

The Illuminati, who has run the Church behind the scenes since the 1700’s, reported that, although Francis’ pontificate could still end whenever they saw fit, that Francis was for now technically guaranteed at least a few more years.

“Our society has found his contributions good up till now, which is why we’ve decided to allow him a few more years,” an anonymous member of The Ancient and Illuminated Seers of Bavariato told EOTT in an exclusive interview. “His desire for a new world order has very much impressed us, and we hope that he continues his work to help us take over the world.”

The source went on to say that they had considered giving Francis a longer extension, but that they were weary of doing so ever since the “Benedict debacle.”

According to the source, the Vatican is scheduled to have “underground meetings” with members of the United Nations, the International Monetary Fund, the World Bank, as well as President Obama this fall to discuss how best to proceed with the brainwashing of the unsuspecting masses.

“It is our belief that, with Grand Mage Francis at the helm of one of our numerous tentacles, so to speak, that he will continue his work to convince the Catholic masses that various world markets working, more or less, separately from one another, will one day lead to a global crash. In the meantime, we, the private members of the elite, in conjunction with leaders of the world’s major banks will continue to create inflations and recessions in order to manipulate the world markets, thus proving Francis’ theories. Then, when the global economic crisis has been created, we will manage the crises, which we hope will convince the masses that a New World Order run by us is the best option and only option.”

  • I wonder if Dan Brown will get an extension as well… 😉

    • T. Audrey Glamour

      “Dan Brown” is a pseudonym for…well if I tell you then I’ll have to kill you. Actually They already want to kill me because I know.

      If I don’t post here for a while, you’ll know what happened.

      Don’t bother with a search party. I am resigned to my fate.

      • Anna

        Um, hello, we can’t do a search party without your *photo* anyway. Did They force you to change it so as to make your disappearance easier to accomplish?

      • Deacon Raymond Moon Sr.

        I said that once, “Don’t bother with a search party”. My kids said they would just party. I tell ya, I don’t get no respect…..

      • antigon

        So *that’s* why you changed your avatar!

  • PJParks

    So good.

  • bluewindboy81506

    Does Rafael Cruz know about this?

  • What is this a satire of?
    Maybe I missed some not EOTT news story.

    • wlinden

      Possibly, the radic-libs who kept saying that “They” would never allow Francis to remain as Pope, presumably by killing him.

    • David W

      If I had to guess Father, I would say it was about the Holy Father saying he would not be Pope for a long time, maybe 2-3 years.

    • antigon

      Was going to upvote you Padre til I saw you already upvoted thyself, & one wouldn’t want to interfere with LC’s well known analytical magic.

  • thicke

    Anyone know if the 3-year option is a team option or a player option? This could get interesting.

    • Hotrod1962

      Actually, after 3 years, he becomes a papal free agent. When the time comes, betcha the Padres, Cardinals and Saints would be interested. The Devils have already announced “no way”.

      • Maggie

        Thanks for the chuckle! If you don’t laugh sometimes, you just have to cry at what is happening in the Church from the Pope on down.

  • pegleggreg

    we must counter act Indiana

  • William

    Attention Catholics! Are you beginning to suspect that people who eat a wafer God for breakfast are capable neither of wit nor irony?

    • T. Audrey Glamour

      I think better of you than that!

      • Jo Flemings

        I am so confused!

        • T. Audrey Glamour

          (just say anything! It keeps then confused!)

    • Jim

      I haven’t gotten up early enough for a breakfast Mass in years, so I keep a supply of Incarnation Instant Breakfast in the pantry.

    • fredx2

      Did you get your bike fixed? Jimmy is outside and he wants to play. Go outside now, you’ve been in front of that computer too long.

    • antigon

      William your quite stunning irony & wit certainly puts that mackerel snapping Oscar Wilde to shame. How do you do it?

    • Adam Hovey

      Wow, your ignorance and stupidity is fascinating. Do tell me more about how you’re an expert on my religion.

    • Eric_Beocarl

      That’s why, once Lent is over, I get to eat death cookies again.

  • John Médaille

    Now we know.

  • John Hollenbeck

    Coming to the A & E Network this Fall

  • JohnE_o

    FNORD

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    The Illuminati are just a smokescreen for the real people who are in control of the world – Justin Bieber fans.

    • Benjamin Warren

      You think it’s funny, don’t you?! Argh…

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    Did he get a signing bonus?

  • wlinden

    I have just been notified that “The Illuminati is following you on Twitter”.

    • Maggie

      Satire there?

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    And here I am waiting for the alien resurrection of jpii.

  • Benjamin Warren

    Satire. One of the better ways to deal with evil.

  • 1crappie2

    “According to the source, the Vatican is scheduled to have “underground meetings” …to discuss how best to proceed with the brainwashing of the unsuspecting masses.”
    Brainwashing?
    My sources suggest they’re actually considering mass reverse baptism’s of any dissident laity. Those found with Latin missals are already ex-baptized by default.

  • LaLaLand

    Should be, “…they were wary of doing so…” 🙂

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    I thought this was a satirical site – this looks like a genuine story.
    http://www.thesocietyofsuchpiousgents.blospot.co.uk

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  • Sarah Campbell

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    feare mentality of non-

    members,Previous years

    there has always been an initiation blessing of thousands of

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    that’s been giving to every member after initiation, but this

    year

    initiation there is a rumor that the initiation blessing will be brought

    down, because of the population of the registered membersto be

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  • illuminati head office

    WELCOME TO THE OFFICIAL POST OF THE CHURCH OF SATAN

    The church of Satan was created by our late high priest magus anton

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