St. Joseph Of Cupertino Sick Of Bailing Out Students Who Did Not Study For Test

March 30, 2015 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Speaking to fellow saints in Heaven today, Franciscan saint Joseph of Cupertino announced that he was “simply fed up” with bailing out lazy students who “hardly even cracked open their books to study.”

“Let me begin by saying that I am in no way telling people not to pray to me,” a visibly frustrated Joseph of Cupertino said as he levitated above reporters. “But if you think I’m stupid enough to continue helping you when you clearly haven’t helped yourself, well, you got another thing coming. And that thing is coming in the form of a big, fat, celestial ‘F.’ Got that?”

Joseph of Cupertino went on to confirm that he still does petition God on a lazy student’s behalf when he or she prays to him, but that he asks the Lord to flunk the living heck out of them.

“Of course the Lord won’t deliberately fail anyone, but being a saint and all, I like to think my prayers carry some weight. If they didn’t, why would all these TAC students be bombarding me with prayers now?”

At press time, Joseph of Cupertino is just happy that the majority of students attending large Catholic universities like Notre Dame, Georgetown, and Boston College have no idea what prayer is, let alone who the heck he is.

  • Hotrod1962

    I knew it!! As a teacher, I have been telling failing, lazy students for years “and don’t think St. Joseph of Cupertino can get you out of this one !”.

    • Gravitatis Ultissimus

      The horrible thing is that he can… and from the line of philosophers and theologians from the past hundred years it looks like he has. Thank goodness he decided to really help the next generation out!

  • terryhjones

    in related news, Saint Anthony of Padua advises everyone to get a cord for their glasses and one of those belt-clip things for their keys. “I understand that these are important items. But honestly, it’s ‘Tony, Tony, look around’ all eternity long!”

  • Chris Lewis

    That last line…what a stinger!

    • Lee Bacchi

      The third paragraph is the stinger for me!

  • fredx2

    As a Georgetown student, we were taught never to pray to anyone, since this would be invidious discrimination and would have been an example of getting ‘white privilege” in regards to our schoolwork. Our Jesuit teachers assured us this new rule was in Vatican II somewhere. I think the exact document was “Luminous Gentlemen”

    • Susan

      Perfect!

  • Robert Janysek

    We don’t “pray” to Mary and the saints. We petition them to pray for us.

    • Adam Hovey

      The word “pray” means to ask a favour, you are right and wrong in your assertion, we do “pray” to them in the sense that we would “pray” to a friend. (Ever heard the phrase, “I pray thee”?). Now you’re not wrong, it is true that ultimately it is God that answers our prayers. That’s the funny thing about language: It changes as cultures change.

      • Casper

        There are even legal documents called “prayer to the court”.

      • helgothjb

        Yes, and God answers those prayers through the saint. That is the economy of grace.

  • antigon

    This is really awful news, but fortunately Solanus Casey has announced that inasmuch as he’s still only venerable, he’d be willing to take over St. Joseph of C’s caseload in the hope some truly dramatic miracles will help get him canonized.

    • Carol Lemons

      He’s been waiting a long time, but that is what the humble man did best. Love him.

  • Brian Williams

    Amen, I was there!

  • MonsignorBrokhage

    I think he’s put out because no one prays to him in Latin anymore. They don’t even pray to him to help them pass the Latin test for which they did not study. So if you want to get his attention try chanting: -r, -ris, -tur, -mur, -mini, ntur!

  • Susan

    Hahaha!

  • Gail Finke

    “At press time, Joseph of Cupertino is just happy that the majority of students attending large Catholic universities like Notre Dame, Georgetown, and Boston College have no idea what prayer is, let alone who the heck he is.” HA HA HA HA