Woman Wearing Mantilla During Novus Ordo Clearly Batshit Crazy

April 30, 2015 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Pointing out the batshit crazy woman wearing a mantilla during a Novus Ordo Mass, local Catholic J.D. White told reporters today that the religious freak had even knelt to receive communion on the tongue as if to show off how holy she was. “I’ll be honest when I say that I’m a bit afraid of the wacko,” White told reporters as he continually checked for the veiled religious zealot to appear with a bomb strapped to her chest or something like that.... Read More

New App Allows User To Locate Where Least Crappy Homily Going To Be Delivered In Area

April 28, 2015 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

The Vatican announced this morning that they have launched “CrapHom,” a new app for iPhone and Android that allows Catholics to view which local parishes will have the lamest homilies and which will have the least lame homilies. “As everyone knows, the whole point of the homily is to instruct and uplift the faithful, but since that’s nearly impossible these days, this will at least give a user the option of not being scandalized during the homily,”... Read More

Report: Some People Actually Go To Adoration At Two In The Morning

April 23, 2015 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Nheyob According to a report out today by the USCCB, some Catholics actually wake up in the middle of the night and go to Holy Hour instead of going right back to sleep and waiting to go some time during the day when they’re not sleeping. “It was shocking to learn that a very small number of Catholics actually wake up in the middle of the night to go to adoration, or they don’t go to sleep at all until they return from adoration,” said USCCB... Read More

Coolest Catholic Guy In Parish Calls Jesus “JC”

April 20, 2015 by  
Filed under Parish Life

According to friends of the coolest Catholic guy in the parish, local parishioner Cameron Young calls Jesus “JC,” although JC is not the Lord’s name and never has been. “Cameron’s always saying cool things like, ‘praise JC,’ and ‘give your life over to JC.’” Friend of Cameron, Joshua Stein said. “He makes the Catholic religion so hip and relevant that I always wanna pray to JC. And I’m Jewish.” Stein went on to say that although... Read More

San Francisco Catholics Petition God To Remove Jesus From Trinity

April 17, 2015 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

In an unprecedented move, more than 100 prominent San Francisco based Roman Catholics signed a petition and ran a full-page ad Friday calling on God to remove Jesus from the Trinity for fostering “an atmosphere of division and intolerance.” The plea follows months of dissent within the archdiocese over Jesus’ emphasis on traditional, conservative doctrine, including asking all Catholics to accept that both sex outside of marriage as well as homosexual... Read More

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