Eucharistic Minister Sanitizing Hell Out Of Hands Before Distributing Communion

April 14, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

Local Eucharistic Minister Courtney Smith has been sanitizing the living hell out her hands for the past two minutes in preparation of distributing Holy Communion, parishioners are reporting. According to parishioners at the 9:30 morning Mass at St. Kieran Catholic Church, 57-year-old Smith was seen pumping the crap out of the sanitizing dispenser like there was “no tomorrow.” “She’s actually still up there, sanitizing away,” parishioner Joseph... Read More

Vatican Approves New Emoji Translation Of Mass

April 9, 2015 by  
Filed under Mass

The Vatican announced today that Pope Francis has approved a new emoji translation of the Mass to help young adults more actively follow along during church services. “We’ve found that most young adults can no longer read complete sentences or even complete words,” said Vatican spokesman Ronaldo Bernini, going to say that the minority of young adults that can read, cannot do so fast enough to keep up with the blistering pace of the Mass. “We still... Read More

California Drought Forcing Churches To Ration Baptisms

April 2, 2015 by  
Filed under Politics

In response to California’s four-year drought, California Governor Jerry Brown has ordered the country’s first-ever mandatory baptism restrictions. Brown’s executive order mandates that all churches in California cut back baptisms by 25 percent. The actual baptism restrictions are left in part up to the local dioceses, which will determine baptism limits and ways to monitor how many individuals are being saved by the blood of the Lamb. Brown... Read More

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