“Habemus Papas Fritas!” Waiter Joyfully Announces To Cheering Crowd At Local Restaurant

October 28, 2015 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Keith McDuffee

Image: Keith McDuffee

Papas Fritas, sliced potato batons deep-fried in oily goodness, was elected as the next dish up Tuesday evening as an eager, hungry crowd at a local eatery cheered in excitement.

The crowd at table 10 cheered for some seconds as their waiter emerged onto the top step leading out of the kitchen with a hot plate in hand.

“Fratelli e sorelle carissimi,” the waiter began. “Queridísimos hermanos y hermanas. Bien chers frères et sœurs. Liebe Brüder und Schwestern. Dear brothers and sisters. Annuntio vobis gaudium magnum: Habemus Papas Fritas! Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum. Dominum Papas Fritas qui sibi nomen imposuit…Chili Cheese Fries!”

According to Connie Ann Miller, a patron at the eatery, the moment was almost too surreal.

“It was amazing and I’m just so excited,” Miller told EOTT with tears streaming down her face. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I loved the old dish. It was a good and filling dish, but I’m really excited for something new.”

Another patron described how she felt when she first witnessed smoke emanating from the kitchen.

“I remember we were all like, ‘Is that smoke?’ We didn’t wanna get to excited. The last time smoke came out of the kitchen, it was black because they had burned our food. But it wasn’t black this time. We realized that it was white smoke. Greyish, really, but once we heard the chief ringing the little bell for the waiter, we knew it was papas fritas time.”

At press time, patrons at a nearby table have acknowledged the legitimacy of the chili cheese fries, but have vowed to not eat it.

  • One patron admitted his confusion with all of the ruckus. He said, “It’s all Greek to me.”

  • Maferick

    You would think that if English was good enough for Jesus, it would have been good enough for that waiter!

  • Connie Poulos

    Tears indeed!! I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the news. We’re awaiting the publication of Rerum Ketcharum.

  • samton909

    Chile Cheese Fries promptly said that the upcoming year would be the “Year of Ketchup”.

    • JR

      Shouldn’t that be “Argentina Cheese Fries”? Americans don’t know geography!

  • Jim

    Miss Miller mentions a “good and filling” previous dish. Eggs Benedict?

    • JR

      I know this place! It’s popular with cafeteria catholics. The food went down easy but left me queasy. Especially the “Vatican Stew”

      • AreAy

        Vatican Stwo?

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    Laudato cheese!

    • VeilOfTiers

      It’s almost poutine to me…

      …but it’s lacking something and I’m not Canadian anyway.

  • Monk

    So, the leader is just a side dish now? Not the main course? How soon until we’re a church of mere appetizers? Where’s the fullness? What makes us distinct from any storefront tapas joint?

    • Connie Poulos

      It’s decentralization in action. 😉

  • FatherWagner

    I hear they are even better with the “salt of the earth.” The light of the world? I think it still has flavor.

  • ithakavi

    San Miguel Arcángel nos libre de papas con queso al horno.

    • Monk

      Oh, you can leave San Miguel Arcángel to kick back and enjoy the celestial concert. The FDA is sure to weigh in to líbranos de este mal.

      • ithakavi

        Trans-fats may require divine intervention. The Department of Agriculture is still researching the issue as part of its revised food pyramid. But of course bacon enjoys a perpetual indulgence (as does Bratwurst since BXVI’s election in 2005).

        • Monk

          Of course, I should have referenced the USDA and not the USFDA, although the Department of Agriculture’s waffling suggestions and warnings feed directly into the Food and Drug Administration’s burdensome regulating.

          • ithakavi

            Indeed, USDA ambiguity on the subject may rival that of the infamous Passages 84-86 of Relatio from the last Ordinary Synod.

          • Waffle fries!

  • VeilOfTiers

    What an unctuous topic. What unctuous comments…

    • Monk

      Yet, His Holiness did choose for a papal name that of a deep friar.

  • Woman In White

    Meanwhile, over at the Protestant chapel, these sorts of atrocities occur daily :


  • They recorded a video in that restaurant at the time, in the corner where soldiers usually ate – they called it the synod mess hall. It took an unexpected source to get back some sense of Catholic teaching, which was celebrated locally, but some ad got the better of a wider audience. I only now saw the connection: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqgSO8_cRio