Middle-Aged White Woman Gyrating Near Altar Just Like They Do In Kenya

January 20, 2016 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Image: auntjojo

Image: auntjojo

52-year-old liturgical dancing sensation Grace Weaver confirmed this morning that she planned on gyrating like all hell during Mass “just like they do it in Kenya.”

“I’ve been a lifelong fan of liturgical dancing, but it wasn’t until I visited Africa that I truly fell in love with the art,” Weaver told EOTT as she practiced some of her moves. “You see what I’m doing? I’m hopping from one foot to the next as I clap my hands. It’s just like they do there. Now I gotta admit, I’ve studied under the tutelage of some of the most revered lit dance performers of our day, so my bar may be a bit high, but the way the Kenyans dance is, bless their dear little souls, is how you say, a bit off the mark. It’s archaic and a bit anarchic if you know what I’m saying.”

Weaver went on to say that her visit to Kenya was inspiring in that she was able to pick up a couple of moves and incorporate some of them in the  more refined western liturgical dancing style she uses.

“So, for instance, what you’ll get during the Our Father tomorrow is a little Kenyan left foot, right foot hop, hop, hop with a little clapping thrown in, then I take it up a notch, a notch to heaven you could say. That’s where the good stuff comes in, when the real praise begins as I thrust my pelvis to and fro, stretch out my arm to God inviting him into our souls.”

At press time, Weaver is having a seizure, but no one can tell the difference.

  • Lorahbee

    I don’t think liturgical dance is part of the norms.

    • Razanir

      It’s not expressly prohibited, either. It’s just that in the West there isn’t a cultural tradition for it. Contrast with Zaire Use, where they even have liturgical spears.

      • Netmilsmom

        Cardinal Arinze explain it. Classical African Dance is not the swaying to and fro that Catholics in Africa do in mass.
        BUT he also said, you who are not African should not even do that.

      • Lorahbee

        11. Re: “liturgical dance”. On January 8, 1982, in answer to a question regarding liturgical dance, the Sacred Congregation for the Sacraments and Divine Worship referred to an article in its official journal, Notitiae, XI, 1975, pp. 202-205. “In the Byzantine Liturgy, there is a very simple dance [procession] on the occasion of a wedding, when the crowned newly married couple goes around the lectern with the celebrant…However, the same criterion and approach cannot be applied to Western culture. Here, the dance is connected with love, with amusement, with profanity, to rouse the senses, such a dance, usually, is not pure. Hence it is not possible to introduce something of that sort in the liturgical celebrations: it would mean to bring into the liturgy one of the most desacralized and desacralizing elements; and this would be seen as introducing an atmosphere of profanity, which would easily suggest to those present worldly places and profane situations. Nor is it acceptable to introduce into the liturgy the so-called artistic ballet because it would reduce the liturgy to mere entertainment…If it were the case that the suggestion of liturgical dance in the West should be accepted, there would arise the obligation that the dances should take place outside the Liturgy at a time and place where they are not considered liturgical celebrations. And from such dance priests should always be excluded.” From: christusrex.org/www1/mcitl/low facts.html

  • WayfarinStranger

    Liturgical tap would be more appropriate in this country, don’t you think?

  • isabel Kilian

    They look just like dogs in heat.

  • MonsignorBrokhage

    As Flannery O’Connor said: “the gyration you save may be your own.” (Or something to that effect.)

    • MonsignorBrokhage

      No wait: it was “the gyrating bear it away.”

  • stpetric

    I’ve never figured out this business with streamers.

  • Jim

    Come on, come on and dooo the Novomotion with me!
    You’ve got to swing your streamers
    Come on…jump up…jump back
    Do the red and read the black!

    • More Tea Vicar?

      Eeeeehhhh Macarena!

  • Viterbo Fangirl

    That last line oh my gosh…

  • Johan Peter Oliveire

    The last slide is telling…

    Credit: http://piranhaclubcomics.com/comics/january-3-2016/

  • MamaFactotum

    Over my implosive laughing I heard my daughters whispering to each other, “what’s wrong with mommy? what’s so funny??”

  • Monk

    This is sort of like a Super Bowl halftime show … which is apt as most American Catholics consider the Super Bowl a Solemnity and Holy Day of obligation.

  • ithakavi

    It goes pretty well with Fr. Blassfeemy swinging the thurible over his head to the reggae in the background.