Pope Francis Announces He Not Planning To Ever Retire, Die

June 10, 2016 by  
Filed under Vatican

Pope Francis announced Sunday that he has no plans to retire from his position as the leader of the Catholic Church, or to die.

The pontiff responded to a question from a young man at the Vatican, assuring Catholics and supporters that the thought of retirement or death has not even occurred to him.

“I never thought of quitting being pope, or of leaving because of the many responsibilities,” Pope Francis told reporters. “And to those who earnestly pray that God calls me home soon, I say, neither have I thought of dying, not only because of the many responsibilities, but, more importantly, to annoy you.”

The Pontiff joked in 2014 that his papacy would only last two or three more years until he goes “off to the Father’s house,” but later told the press he was only joking, and that he planned to remain pope for the next two to three centuries.

Pope Francis went on to add that, although he had no intentions of “being dead” anytime in the foreseeable future, he planned to use the plenty of time he had left on this earth excommunicating one randomly selected person a day until he finally got his lifelong wish of seeing flying cars and hover boards “like you see in the movies” on the streets.

He also told the press that he planned to use some of the abundant amount of time he had left accomplishing some of the things on his bucket list.

“I would like to end world hunger, of course, but mainly, I will be working on designing a Hover Pope Mobile so that once the whole flying car thing gets going, I won’t have to wait long. They promised us that there would be flying cars in the year 2000, but they are still not here. What is the hold up? I also plan on setting a record in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest stretch of ad-lib monologue with reporters. I will be shooting for thirty-six straight hours of unscripted and uninterrupted verbal bedlam. I have been practicing for this for some time, and I’m confident I can do it.”

  • Edward B. Connolly

    This is good news for EOTT! The longer the reign of Francis, the more grist for the mills!

  • samton909

    Get ready for “Amoris Laetitia, Part 49” – 350 more pages of creamy, gooey nothingness.

  • JabbaPapa

    yah boo !! this just amounts to an attempt to delay the Rapture that our space alien MJ12 governments promised to us via 9/11 !!!

  • Charles

    There goes my scheme for “Frank Underwood, papabile.” Oh darn.

  • Viterbo Fangirl

    I was taking a sip of water when I read “…but, more importantly, to annoy you.” I really ought to know better by now, but what’s one more water-logged computer screen in the grand scheme of things?