Russian Orthodox Church Accused Of Doping Parishioners To Gain Spiritual Advantage

August 11, 2016 by  
Filed under Politics

With Armageddon just around the corner, the Russian Orthodox Church is in the midst of a massive doping scandal.

On Monday, the Court of Spiritual Arbitration upheld a doping suspension for nearly 20,000 members of the Russian Orthodox Church. Patriarch Kirill of Moscow said he expects that the International Spiritual Committee will make its final ruling by this Saturday on whether anyone from his church will be allowed to compete for salvation.

“This is a conspiracy by the Roman Catholic Church as well as the Greek Orthodox Church,” Kirill told EOTT. “They know that we will have many more salvations then they will, and they are afraid.”

The doping suspensions could dramatically impact Russia’s ability to compete in souls saved when the first trumpet sounds, with hail and fire, mixed with blood, is thrown to the Earth burning up a third of the trees on the planet, and all green grass, ushering in Judgment Day.

“The Orthodox Church-sponsored spiritual doping program was all about covering up positive drug tests,” said Richard Hewitson, who headed a report about the doping scandal. “We were able to uncovered a church-run doping scheme implicating thousands of parishioners as well as the vast majority of bishops. This includes tampering with drug test samples in order to cover up positive test results by Orthodox parishioners.”

Hewitson went on to explain the doping process, saying, “The process would start by having each parishioner give a clean prayer sample, delivered on paper prior to using any spiritual enhancing drugs that would later be laid at the foot of an icon. Bishops would then proceed to ensure that, any time a positive drug test occurred, the tainted prayer would be replaced with a clean prayer in order to produce clean results.”

  • Michael Leggett

    Very “Olympian” of you guys & gals!

  • David K

    The real dopers are Protestants. They would have no problem with imputing cleanliness to a dirty sample.

    • puycafm

      As Luther said, we are all just snow-covered piles of dope.

  • Dr Phil

    Should have just added a little something to all that incense.

  • Animadversor

    I do believe that this effort seems a bit strained.

  • Heinz

    Do they distinguish between such drugs that enhance the efficacy of a single prayer and those that increase general praying capacity?

    Does doping have effect only on prayers or maybe also on sermon quality?

  • John Carter

    Like the Russian Orthodox would refer to themselves as Greek Orthodox! Ha.

  • Alphatron Shinyskullus

    Meanwhile, the Anglican Church is set to win their fourth consecutive gold in theological gymnastics

    • Monk

      And the competition in theological gymnastics is fiercer every year!