Francis Waives “Five-Century Rule” For Inquiry Into Possible Canonization Of Martin Luther

November 2, 2016 by  
Filed under Vatican

In a press conference aboard the papal plane this morning, Pope Francis confirmed reports that he would be investigating the life and works of 16th century “reformer” Martin Luther, stating that it was better late than never in “the Church’s eternal quest for ecumenism.”

On October 15, Pope Francis welcomed a number of Lutherans from Iceland, Norway, Sweden, and Germany to his residence in the Vatican, and called Martin Luther a brave Christian who was trying his best to reform a financially corrupt Church, which automatically makes the person a saint in the Church’s eyes.

Francis also said that the pivotal character in the Protestant Reformation was in heaven, noting that “all Christians that fight against greed are saints.”

“From here on, paintings and statues of Martin Luther are welcome in all churches around the world, because he is blessed,” Francis told those gathered. “Christians who suffer ridicule today because they, in essence, overturn the tables of the money changers extend a reflection of Martin Luther’s courage and bravery.”

Francis went on to state that it was his hope that by this time next year, all members of the Catholic Church would be reciting the entire Ninety-five Thesis just after the Nicene Creed during Mass, and that the next Jubilee would commence by his walking through the “Holy Door” of All Saints’ Church in Wittenberg where the Ninety-five Thesis was first posted.

  • samton909

    The two miracles that finally clinched the Sainthood deal for Luther were the nomination of Donald Trump as Republican presidential candidate, and the miraculous avoidance of prison by Hillary Clinton.

    • Thibaud313

      I love how this joke as an official expiration date of one week. Or possibly 2 months more if the Electoral College is tied. Remember, if the Electoral College is tied : I called it.

      • samton909


        • Paul L

          He wouldn’t be my first pick. Or millionth! But at least he’s Canadian, and that could bring ages of sanity to your absurd American Politics.

  • Maggie


  • Thibaud313

    I officially predict that this article will be circulated for years and years on the Internet as an actual, non-satirical piece of news. Just like that article of The Onion with the fake interview of JK Rowling in which she claimed to be a satanist. Remember : I called it.

    • Heinz

      Do you have a list somewhere of all the things that you prophesied? If your overall accuracy is good enough, that’s enough for sainthood in the eyes of the church as well!

  • Jim

    Ohh. That’s why I got this.

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    Is excrement a relic?

    If so, we’ll have a LOT to venerate from him, because he LOVED throwin’ that stuff around.

    • Monk

      Would that be a First, Second or Third-Class relic?
      I suppose Number Two?

      • Mr. Graves

        Works on so many levels. It’s a real deuce-y of a joke……

  • I’ll be satisfied if he gets the Lutheran World Federation to agree to a Joint 500th Anniversary Edition of the General Instruction of the Roman Missal by 2065 (the 500th anniversary of the closing of the Council of Trent)

  • Casper

    I don’t know. I don’t see how Luther followed “the new Beatitudes”, such as protecting and caring for our common home.
    But I think Francis just beatified himself, with the new Beatitude “Blessed are those who pray and work for full communion between Christians.”

  • Casper

    Had to add this in:
    Awesome cartoon from the Lutheran Satire group. I totally stole it from Father Z’s blog: The last minute is the best:

  • LX5000

    The Church should have a feast day, for the Ninety-Five Feces! ..oops, there goes my Freudian slips again.