Santa Reassigns “Rigid” Elf On The Shelf To Malta

December 21, 2016 by  
Filed under Politics

Image: An Errant Knight

Image: An Errant Knight

Santa Claus has reassigned a conservative “scout elf” from a key post in a home near Farmington Hills, Michigan to one that is mostly symbolic.

Ray, the Elf on the Shelf in question, has been a leading stickler for those being naughty or nice, and has been vocal in his criticism of the direction that Santa has been leading Christmas in.

Ray was one of the highest ranking scout elves in the North Pole hierarchy in his position on the Arctic Circle supreme court. But he was reassigned to the position of Chief Elf of the Order of Malta, the North Pole announced this morning. The Noel Times pointed out that Ray’s new post is a job that “has almost no spying responsibilities.”

Ray has been outspoken about his opposition to Claus’ move toward more openness and inclusiveness of disobedient children.

“Kringle is not free to change Christmas’ teachings with regard to the naughty behavior of children or any other doctrine of the Yuletide,” Ray recently told EOTT.

When a recent draft from Santa asked for scout elves to be more welcoming to children who were mean to their siblings and disrespectful to their parents, Ray said that the report “lacks a solid foundation in the sacred naughty or nice list.”

  • AuthenticBioethics

    Ray and three other supporters of traditional Yuletide moral reasoning (namely Rudolph Reindeer, Little Drummer Boy, and the erudite Linus VanPelt) have submitted 5 dubia to Santa.
    1) Is it now possible to move someone from the Naughty List to the Nice List who has done something heretofore considered naughty?
    2) Does one still need to regard as valid the absolute niceness norms prohibiting intrinsically naughty acts?
    3) Does someone who habitually lives in contradiction to niceness find him or herself in an objective situation of grave habitual naughtiness?
    4) Does it remain true, in words issued in Christmases Past and perennially reaffirmed by Christmas Tradition, that “circumstances or intentions can never transform an act intrinsically naughty by virtue of its object into an act ‘subjectively’ nice or defensible as a choice”?
    5) Does it remain true, as per established Christmas Tradition, that conscience can never be authorized to legitimate exceptions to absolute niceness norms that prohibit intrinsically naughty acts by virtue of their object?

    Santa has yet to respond, and is not expected to before his midnight trek on Christmas Eve. An unnamed source has indicated that he is bringing no coal with him on this trip.

  • Veronica

    Geez. Does this mean I’m not getting my EZ-Bake Oven?

  • samton909

    Taking Ray’s place will be Blase, the spineless floppy elf.

  • imaVeteranCatholicDeplorable

    I guess he also was not a supporter of the “Rudolphite” solution. This would have allowed local elves to decide whether to give a naughty kid presents instead of taking it to the higher polar authorities to determine if the child had in fact been legitimately nice in the first place. What is this world coming to? Why not just let local elves make any decision they want regarding presents!

  • Gail Finke


  • Guy McClung

    It appears Ray is also 100% certain he is Ray, not Raynelle. So non-fluid. Perhaps for these rigid ones the logic of the Gospel has an exception and there are those, contrary to new dogma, who can be condemned forever. Merray CHRISTmas! Guy Mcclung, San Antonio TX

  • Rusty

    It’s a good thing I was not drinking coffee when I read this. It burns coming out the nostrils…

  • Deborah Diem

    No worries. I have it on good authority that Santa has contracted the Office of Homeland Security to determine who is naughty and nice