Traditionalist-Charismatic Catholic Believes Only Men Should Play Guitar During Mass

January 31, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Local traditionalist-charismatic Catholic Keith Hubbard announced to friends late Monday night that he believed that, according to the ancient traditions of the charismatic Church, women should not be permitted to play the guitar during Mass. “I think the Church’s insistence that only fingers belonging to a male ought to strum or pluck the strings of a guitar during Mass is a way of telling the faithful that the lead guitarist takes on a sort of in... Read More

Catholic Rock Band Not Surprised To Learn They’re Going Hell

January 27, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Feliciano Guimarães

Image: Feliciano Guimarães Just days after completing their whirlwind three-parish praise and worship tour, Catholic rock band Smug Self-Righteous Gutter Trash were saddened, though not the least bit surprised, to find out they were all doomed to eternal hellfire for their music. Gutter Trash lead singer Koby Doyle told EOTT this morning that he and his fellow bandmates learned of the news just after a concert when “the angel of the Lord appeared... Read More

Knights Of Columbus Amassing Troops In Preparation For Vatican Takeover Of Malta

January 26, 2017 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Tensions have escalated between conservative and liberal Catholics today as Knights of Columbus members amassed on Malta’s border, which was recently annexed by the Vatican. Maltese U.N. Ambassador Marcallino Galea told EOTT this morning that the Knights of Columbus had amassed more than 40,000 knights on the border of Malta. “These numbers may reflect some very bad intentions and this is the last thing we would like to happen,”... Read More

Bishop’s Inaugural Homily Promises To Put Christ First

January 23, 2017 by  
Filed under Politics

Image: Jarek Tuszyński

Image: Jarek Tuszyński Bishop Thomas Drumpf, in his inaugural homily, promised to make his new diocese great again and to put Christ first.  As he took the oath of bishopric on Friday, Drumpf vowed that “the forgotten Catholic men and women of our diocese will be forgotten no longer.” “January 20th, 2017, will be remembered as the day the parishioners became the bishop of this diocese again,” Drumpf told the crowd in his speech... Read More

New Protestant “Achilles’ Heel Free Bible” Omits Matthew 16:18, Book of James

January 19, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Protestant book publisher Branch Of A Branch Publishing announced today the publication of their new Achilles’ Heel Free Bible, which is said to omit Matthew 16:18 and The Book of James. Branch Of A Branch Publishing founder and president Pastor Blake Williams told EOTT this morning that he “thought it time to relieve the stress from Protestants who stumble across awkward passages while studying the Good Word.” “We all obviously... Read More

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