Traditionalist-Charismatic Catholic Believes Only Men Should Play Guitar During Mass

January 31, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Local traditionalist-charismatic Catholic Keith Hubbard announced to friends late Monday night that he believed that, according to the ancient traditions of the charismatic Church, women should not be permitted to play the guitar during Mass.

“I think the Church’s insistence that only fingers belonging to a male ought to strum or pluck the strings of a guitar during Mass is a way of telling the faithful that the lead guitarist takes on a sort of in persona Haugen kinda role,” Hubbard told friends, going on to say that critics of an all-male “guitarhood” neglect the fact that famous Catholic musician John Michael Talbot is a male.

“We’ve also found that men tend to lose interest in the sacred art of praising Jesus via strings if women are also praising God in the same way. Remember, God made David and lyre, not Davina and lyre.”

But some of Hubbard’s fellow choir leaders disagree, such as Debra Barrymore, who recently told EOTT that allowing women to play the guitar was a “way of welcoming them to the fretboard of the Lord, of saying their calloused fingers have an important role in the playing of Here I Am Lord.”

“It’s just not right that only men should be the only ones to bore the living shit out of parishioners during Mass. Women are just as capable of boring the living shit out of people as do men, and we’re simply asking that we be given the same opportunities.”

 

 

  • Thibaud313

    Come on! Guitar players are not just boring us during Mass! They are also annoying us and making us feel sorry for them.

    • HermitTalker

      I listen on Sunday mornings to Services, rarely Catholic, often Anglican on Radio 4 BBC. Their use of Latin and organ makes me shudder at the countless guitar Masses I endured in the USA. As well as the gosh-awful butchering of Latin I often have to endure on EWTN in its worldwide broadcasts from Alabama USA. Total abuse of the senses.

      • Diane

        We are all different. Being a musician myself…I prefer the strings done well, to the organ. Of all the instruments, I find the organ the most boring. I play a variety of instruments…piano, organ, guitar, violin, and really, the strings have a majestic sound to it, if done well. Nothing irks me more than a organist who does not play to enhance the choir, but to over-ride with noise and bassey vibrations and insists on playing to his or own speed rather than to bring out the beauty of the voices. The Diocese I am had orders from then Bishop Burke, to phase out the instruments and piano if possible, and just have organ music. For some of us, it was a real downer. I disagree on the EWTN music. I watch them daily and love their choirs. The Choir master, IMO, is excellent.

        • HermitTalker

          The over-use of Latin, singing all the proper parts kills EWTN. Fr Leonard does not understand or pronounce Latin well. He is an awful homilist as well. My ideal would be judicious use of plain chant in English and some Latin chosen by someone who is sensitive to the congregation. You are so blessed as a liturgical musician. Were you Green Bay or STL in Bp Burke’s time. Nuff said. Pax tecum and bless your precious ministry. When it serves
          it is beauty, when it shows off it corrupts. .

          • Casper

            What? Why does singing all the Proper parts “kill EWTN”? That’s what the propers are for, to be sung.

          • HermitTalker

            Non semper in Lingua Latina Gheistliche Herr, Deus autem cognoscit otros linguae pauci popolurum cognoscunt Latina. Jesu oravit Missa in lingua Aramaic non in lingua Hebraica sicut in Templo Jerusalem. Lingua popurorum non altum lingua Templi. Franciscus, EpiscopusRomae rogatMissam in Lingua Italia, lingua populi, non in Latina Latina quod non cognoscunt. I presume youhada classical education as did Washington and Jefferson, but the wrote for educated people in English, the regular people could not read or write. English or Latin. They prayed in the English of the time -late 18th century not high classical English. Respectfully yours ex Intelligenti Anus mei

          • samton909

            You should see a doctor about that.

      • VeilOfTiers

        HermitTalker–what, you don’t like Latin spoken with a southern accent? Alabamans cain’t hep how the tawk.

  • Ioannes

    Don’t see the need for that kind of language…

    • Jim Brooks

      I agree, disapointed

      • HermitTalker

        Please all Posters address those to whom you are responding; it is confusing. Thany you.

        • HermitTalker

          Thank you, excuse typo

    • Grumpy Young Man

      I disagree.

      “…bore the living daylights out of parishioners” doesn’t quite get the point across. Precise language is important, and let’s face it, that last paragraph really captures why it’s important to have the confessional open after any guitar Mass. 🙂

    • TD Maxon

      I strongly agree and am fed up with needless vulgarity, which makes me disinclined to share this site with my kids–or anyone else, for that matter. It can be “adult” and satirical without being middle school. Besides, “daylights” isn’t the only other choice.

      • Peter Holmes

        An article poking fun at prudes (and hippies) is tut-tutted by a prude … is this meta irony… or are you actually as fixated on the minutiae as the article suggests?

        • Sue Hardebeck

          Peter, if you are addressing TD Maxon, you might want to reread his comments or at least his last line.

    • Casper

      I know – – maybe EOTT could have an expurgated “family” site without the swear words! Because I do like to share these with my kids…although they go to Catholic school, so I’m pretty sure they have heard these words before…

    • AreAy

      Well, shit. I disagree.

  • Do you mean “loose interest” or “lose interest”? Anyway, great satire. Really ROTFL!

  • Fr. Richard Heilman

    I so wanted to post this 🙁

    • Mary Ann Andersen

      Go for it! As a Catholic church organist for over 50 yrs. & playing only traditional music, I loved this piece, Father. 🙂

  • Dom

    This article is spot on. What people conveniently forget is that the church has allowed and even encouraged women to play the tambourine, which has always been understood by the church as early as 1969 to be the proper role of women in the church. The tambourine has a natural complementarity to the acoustic guitar which is so sublime only Our Lord could have conceived of such a union. To suggest that men an women should both use an acoustic guitar, or worse, that men and women could pick and choose which instrument they want to play depending on how they “identify” is gravely contrary to the Natural Law, probably.

    • Jon P

      Dom, your comment is better than the article that spawned it. Thanks for the hearty laugh and food for thought, kind of.

  • sweetness

    Tra la la, being dragged off to the Latin Mass by my 14yo son.

    • sweetness

      I promise I won’t take my tambourine.

    • Casper

      What? Dontcha know young people haaaate Latin…

      • sweetness

        Oh, yeah, I forgot. Shhh…don’t tell on us. Especially those young people, they hate Latin the most, along with truth, beauty and goodness. And traditions! They hate traditions. I get so much grief when I celebrate their birthdays, buy Fruit Loops and Nutella for camping trips and make dinner every night. They only want new experiences, dontcha know?

        • sweetness

          I might try to give up sarcasm for Lent. I’m dreading it.

  • samton909

    Look, women have liturgical dance all to themselves. They have puppet making to themselves. They have Eucharistic Ministering all to themselves. I see no reason to allow them to take over the guitar playing, too. Guitar playing is inherently male, and we have studies from the Gay Institute of Scientific Impossibilities to prove it.

  • Andy

    This was awesome.

    I, uh… actually like “Here I Am, Lord”… Just not in mass, any more. Great for singing along in the car though!

    • Chris Baran

      It’s disconcerting how those Haugen and Hass songs get stuck in your head, like jingles!

      • Monk

        “Ear worms” is an apt term for the banal songs some parishes feature.

        • Andy

          To be fair, it is quoting Scripture. And it has made me pretty bold once or twice in my life. Gregorian Chant may have had the same effect, had I been brought up on it. But like I said, there is a place for contemporary Christian music (the car and the shower, lol)

  • Monk

    I don’t mean to tempt fate, but what will Francis do when the first transgender priest presents? It’s just a matter of time.

    • HermitTalker

      That is his call. Only a heterosexually-endowed male may be ordained. Does not have to be actually heterosexual as is obvious from the many gay-apparent but not acting bishops and clergy.

  • Matthew Sewell

    You have outdone yourself. Been laughing for a solid minute straight.

  • St. John Vianney
    “The man of impure speech is a “person whose lips are but an opening and a supply pipe which hell uses to vomit its impurities upon the earth.”

  • VeilOfTiers

    I am thankful that I attend a Traditional (with a big T) Catholic Church where the guitarist is a male.

  • Brian Kerzetski

    We in the East are aghast that instruments are used in the West. We can acknowledge the use of filioque, but instruments, let alone guitars, are a step too far! Even worse, I’ve been to masses where the guitar player faces the people. Appalling!