Pope Francis Mandates All Catholics Convert To Lutheranism In New Apostolic Exhortation

February 6, 2017 by  
Filed under Vatican

Just hours after Pope Francis published his latest work Reformatio Si, Catholic theologian Cardinal Walter Kasper told reporters that, though Pope Francis’ apostolic exhortation mandating all Catholics convert to Lutheranism might be tough to comprehend, he nevertheless prayed that they have faith in the same Holy Spirit that not only chose Francis to become pope, but also “was the instrument behind the works of St. Martin Luther.”

“I would like to say that, though this new exhortation is a few hundred years coming, it’s finally here,” Kasper said. “Honesty, I think that controversies surrounding Reformatio Si are ludicrous. Luther reformed a corrupt Church, meaning that his ideas were superior to the Catholic faith, and since God calls us to greatness, we then ought to except the superiority and greatness of Luther’s teachings.”

“Listen, and listen to me clearly,” Kasper went on to say. “I got 95 thesis but a pope ain’t one. I understand that and Francis understands that. And that’s why, as of tomorrow, Pope Francis will relinquish his title as Head of the Whore of Babylon, and will kindly ask to simply be called ‘Pastor Jorge.’ He has been given a part-time job as Associate Youth Pastor in Training at Atonement Lutheran Church in Louisville Kentucky. We ask everyone to pray that he does well.”

 

 

  • Heinz

    I’ve heard that Pope Francis wore two scarfs intertwined, while the lutherans wore only the one that represents lutheranism. How humiliating that the catholic does not keep insisting on the superior truth, but humbles himself publicly.
    Where is the good old strategy of letting them simmer in their wrongness, until they come crawling back into the church? At least that is what Jesus would do, right?

    It’s almost as if prophetic powers, the understanding of all mysteries and all knowledge, even all that faith were nothing, if we don’t have love.

  • Mr. Graves

    First Laudato Si said I had to hug a polar bear, then Amoris Laetitia insisted I get divorced and shack up with my secretary. Now I have to become Protestant?

    Thank goodness the “About Me” drop down menu on Facebook has so many options!

    • From the fact that you’re still alive, I see that you applied for a dispensation to hug an ice sculpture of a polar bear rather than a live polar bear. Wise choice.

      • Mr. Graves

        I try not to be “rigid.”

        • Casper

          Just maybe “frigid”? : )

          • Mr. Graves

            That’s just cold.

  • Michelle

    We at the Lutheran Rights Defense Fund declare Reformatio Si to be plagiarism! How dare Jorge try to take credit for discovering what Jesus really meant when Luther already did that 500 years ago thereby saving Christianity from the Apostles who apostatized immediately after the Ascension by voting for Matthias! We have studied the text and found it to be an almost word for word copy of the study notes of Father Luther’s superior translation of the New Testament: “Alone! A Toity Time Study Bible”. We are shocked and outraged!

  • Hotrod1962

    Finally, now finally, we can get rid of that subversive Book of James.

  • thetimman

    Parody only works if the premise is unbelievable. This is more of a prediction.

    • Peter

      Yes. It is sad to say I could see something like this happening. The pope would of course would do it an ambiguous manner like saying Lutherans can receive communion in Catholic Churches and we can receive communion in Lutheran Churches.

  • samton909

    I knew they were just setting the SSPX up.

  • plinthos

    I find the lies and slapstick nature of this article highly offensive to everything which is noble and true.
    Grow up!

    • samton909

      Okay, we will grow up, but we are going to grow up Lutheran.

      • Priscilla Laliberte

        Y’all are so funny, thank you for this EOTT and the comments are hysterical.

  • Maggie

    Too close to the truth with our first Lutheran pope.

  • Casper

    Oh oh, Houston, I see a problem. From a Lutheran website:
    “Q: Why does the pastor turn his back to the congregation?
    A: When the pastor faces the congregation
    during the church service, for example when s/he reads from the Bible,
    his/her posture symbolises that s/he speaks on behalf of God. When the
    pastor turns his/her back to the congregation and faces the altar just
    like the congregation s/he speaks to God on behalf of the congregation.
    This is the case when s/he prays.”

  • KJL

    Wonderful satire except for this exception, “accept” would be more acceptable and make the superiority easier to accept.

  • jmikalajunas

    You do mean embrace Apostosy. Become an Apostate.

  • Diane

    This Pope is a conman and doing great damage. What the hell happened? Its time for the Vatican officials to oust him.