Trump Announces He Has Possession Of Fourth Secret Of Fatima; Claims The Other Secrets Were Fake News

April 10, 2017 by  
Filed under Politics

Fátima_José Luiz Bernardes Ribeiro

Fátima_José Luiz Bernardes Ribeiro

 

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced today that the Trump administration has obtained the Fourth Secret of Fatima, which reportedly details the fake news contained in all of the other secrets of Fatima.

“According to President Trump, at around noon today, the Virgin Mary entrusted him with the secret,” Spicer told EOTT. “The President wrote the secret down and sealed it in the envelope I am now holding up, and that was not to be opened until later on in this press briefing .”

According to one official close to the President, the fourth secret involves Russia, North Korea, Syria, and the “hopeful start date” of World War III. It also outlines how the second secret was fake news, since it requested that Russia be converted when it, in fact, should have spoken about “the world being converted to Russia.”

Spicer later went on to say that “Though I can’t go over all the specific details regarding how the President came into possession of the fourth secret, I can say that it is true that he did indeed receive it, and that it’s by far the best and most successful of all the other secrets, and in fact, more people have wanted to hear the details about his secret than any other secret anyone has ever had in the history of the world.”

  • pegleggreg

    Breaking news Easter cancelled by Trump. No need the prez sez

    • HermitTalker

      Not true. He likes res-erection. Married three times Enjoys little Cat-licks

  • samton909

    Upon hearing this news, Malachi Martin rose from the dead and appeared on Coast to Coast AM with retired host Art Bell. “I have seen the fourth secret” said Malachi. “I am sworn to secrecy, but if your listeners wish to ply me with questions, I might answer them” Asked if the secret foretold of a nuclear war with Russia, Martin said “The Soviet Union will fall in 2020, of this I am certain.”

  • susanna

    We will win WW III. It’s gonna be wonderful. “I love the poorly educated.”

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    I guess his “Make Medjugorje Great Again” campaign never got off the ground.

    • HermitTalker

      His Scots Presbyterian Mother appeared to him and advised him Mary is not where she is yet. Is in the Purgatory RCIA and will see her at Easter not this one but when Luther, Knox, Henry V111 and Elizabeth 1 make it out together. Trump has to go there eventually for over-achieving his Pussy Quota

  • Hotrod1962

    Didn’t Pope St. John Paul announce that the 4th secret was the actual bill for the last supper? Tradition has it that in all of the confusion on the last supper, Judas (understandably so) forgot to pay the the bill. Tradition also has it that John found the bill on the floor, kept it and carried it with him to Ephesus with the Blessed Mother.
    The Fatima children heard the 4th secret but misunderstood, thinking Mary wanted them to pay it. Since they were poor, they agreed to “forget” what was said.

  • gss

    Should have been dated April 1st.

  • TFB

    EOTT is funnier when you stay in your area of expertise.

    When you try to be The Onion, it just falls short.

  • Frank Hammond

    Really, you are now using Trump stuff on this site? I can go to 100s of other sites for that crap. Please stick to ripping the church.

    • HermitTalker

      Frank it’s satirical. Not ripping the Church. Some did not get it, dropped comments about me when they took my comments seriously. Sounded like Calvinists

      • Frank Hammond

        I know it is satirical – I have been reading this site for years. In his own “satirical” way EOTT is ripping the church and I enjoy it – just don’t need the political junk on this site…

  • HermitTalker

    The downside of satire is trying to control or manage it or censor it is counter-productive. My opinion that includes several nasty personal insults regarding my views on some topics from some humourless critics. Like to cook, stay in the hot kitchen. Leave the temperature dial alone,

  • Lee Bacchi

    A terrific parody!