Altar Boy with Napkin May Have Missed Germ Or Two During Veneration

  An altar boy is under investigation this week after several sources at St. John the Baptist Catholic Church reported witnessing a “mark” that looked “a lot like lipstick” left on the crucifix that was being used for veneration during Good Friday services. According to an altar boy who was assisting the young man, pressure was unlike anything he’s witnessed in his tenure as Second in Command Candle Bearer. “It was a deluge of saliva-coated... Read More

Ushers Forcibly Remove Communicant After Overbooked Palm Sunday Mass Runs Out Of Communion Hosts

Image:Felix Burton   A video posted late Sunday evening shows a parishioner in a Palm Sunday Mass at St. Isidore Catholic Parish being forcibly removed from church just before communion. The video taken from an aisle seat a few pews behind the man being removed shows other parishioners reciting the Agnus Dei. The 33-second clip goes on to show three ushers wearing radio equipment speaking with a man seated in his pew. After a few moments, one of the... Read More

Trump Announces He Has Possession Of Fourth Secret Of Fatima; Claims The Other Secrets Were Fake News

Fátima_José Luiz Bernardes Ribeiro   White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced today that the Trump administration has obtained the Fourth Secret of Fatima, which reportedly details the fake news contained in all of the other secrets of Fatima. “According to President Trump, at around noon today, the Virgin Mary entrusted him with the secret,” Spicer told EOTT. “The President wrote the secret down and sealed it in the envelope I am... Read More

Church Holds Fundraiser To Purchase New La-Z-Boy Recliner For Perpetual Adoration Chapel

  Several sources confirmed today that St. Vincent Ferrer Catholic Church has begun its fundraising campaign to raise money to purchase a brand new La-Z-Boy for the adoration chapel. “We’re really hoping to attract more people to sign up for the midnight to about 5 am adoration slot,” said church council member Rhonda Valdez. “Getting people to sign up during the day has never been an issue, but when it comes to those late night, early morning... Read More

Emo Priest Only Says Requiem Masses

  Local emo priest Fr. Evan Richards announced to parishioners at Mass this morning that he would no longer be saying any Masses that were not strictly Requiem Masses. “From here on out, I’ll only be saying Masses for the deceased,” a depressed and emotional sounding Richards said from the pulpit as he played with his lip ring with his tongue. “I don’t know…it’s just…I guess it just seems like everyone... Read More

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