Head Of Vatican Secret Archives Enjoys Muttering Cryptic Half-Sentences Just To Mess With People’s Heads

Head of Vatican Secret Archives Monsignor Luigi Alfresco admitted to close friends today that he often passes the time during private archive tours muttering cryptic things to himself to mess with people’s heads.

“I’ve been giving these private tours for new cardinals for 43 years,” Alfresco told EOTT. “I can do them in my sleep, so now, just to keep myself from falling asleep during a tour, I’ll begin muttering random things to myself. Sometimes I’ll open a book in the archives and a folded letter that I placed in the book the night before will fall out. Then I unfold the letter and begin frantically saying, ‘No, this…this cannot be. How can it be when Pope Peter II has yet to be elect…’ and I just stop there and ask them to forgive me, and that the tour is now over.”

Alfresco went on to say that after every tour, he begs the cardinals to “under no circumstance” repeat anything they saw or heard during the tour before frantically running away.

Alfresco also told a story of when he first took then Cardinal Jorge Borgoglio on his first tour of the Secret Archives.

“Oh man, he nearly crapped his cassock. There we were, just me and him, and I fall to the ground and grasp my head…then I begin muttering something about the Martian Rite Catholic bishop finding out about ‘the plans.’ He looked so worried and he kneeled over to ask what was wrong and what was happening. I said, ‘Forget it, it was nothing! I’ve said too much already. They’re coming! We must leave this place at once!'”