Outrage After Catholic University Accidentally Hires Practicing Catholic To Head Department Of Theology

May 8, 2017 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads




A Catholic university is under fire this week after school administrators accidentally hired 37-year-old Todd Alguire, a practicing Catholic, to head their Department of Theology.

Diocesan bishop Kevin Sterling  has now demanded an investigation into the ‘offensive’ hiring after rumors spread that students would need to “brush up on the fundamentals of the Catholic  faith” before beginning this upcoming semester.

Ryan Gurley, a sophomore who described himself as ‘devoutly spiritual,’ told EOTT that his refusal to participate in any further religion classes might lead to his suspension.

“I understand that I’ll eventually either be suspended, or I won’t ever be able to graduate, but I have to stand my ground. I’ll never cave when it comes to my faith. I’m a spiritual zealot, which means I faithfully believe in every religion – so long as it isn’t Christianity, of course.  And that’s why I now stand on my rights as an American citizen and Catholic to not be forced to have to learn the tenets of Catholicism in a Catholic school. What next, having to learn the fundamentals of analytic geometry in Calculus class?”

School officials say that the accidental hiring of Mr. Alguire came after someone in the administration’s office neglected to perform a competent background check.

“This is a major oversight and, as you can probably imagine, a very embarrassing moment for the university,” said one school official. “The background process is pretty simple and straight forward. As a proud Catholic university, we do not ask for resumes or any other official documents proving competency. The only thing we do is to make sure that the applicant is either an anti-Catholic Protestant, an atheist, or an agnostic, and that if the applicant does happen to be a Catholic, that he attends no more than two masses a year, preferably none. When it comes to nearly all other departments outside of History and a couple of others, the door is wide open to practicing Catholics. That’s what makes us a Catholic university. Also, we just put up some bland, random crosses around the university so that parents of potential students may feel proud and comfortable not only sending their children here, but for paying the outrageous tuition we charge to do so.”

  • Fidèle

    One of my theology profs told us, and I quote, ‘Theologians are the best atheists.’

    • Deplorable S E Delenda

      Well, at least he is honest.

    • HermitTalker

      St Thomas Aquinas took a special approach to his scholarship by posing objections and dismantling them with reason and logic. Justifiable way of arguing from non-belief, and cynicism to reason and faith. A way of vindicating that professor’s comment.

      • Rose Lincoln


  • roberdine

    I think EOTT has discovered the process actually used by most well-known “Catholic” universities.

  • Sr. Mary Brigid

    Ah, no worries…just mandate that he’s got to establish an Amoris Laetitia Track in the Theology Department, and he’ll leave on his own accord in short order.

  • Randall Pasion

    Slould have just contracted Alpha Course.

  • HermitTalker

    A bishop in Ireland preached about atheism in Ireland last year at Knock Marian Shrine. Now facing 2=”incitement to riot” charges by an atheist. More exciting than this drivel from EOTT. and the comments

    • VeilOfTiers

      May I suggest that you stop reading “the drivel” and commenting? 🙂

      • HermitTalker

        Thank you. Shall bring your suggestion to prayer, I recommend you comment on all dozen posts I just read and refrained making any comment. I can be good

      • Chris in Maryland


        • HermitTalker

          LOL !!! Get a life. My reply was classic .

    • sixlittlerabbits

      I believe the Apostolic Nuncio to Ireland, the US’s own Archbishop Charles Brown, appointed by Benedict XVI, has now been transferred to Albania, for not being an atheist.

    • uracuk

      If a Muslim preached about Christianity, do you think that would be a fair and accurate sermon, or would the Muslim make up a bunch of evil lies to smear Christianity? My bet is on the latter. Bishop McDisingenuous probably sat there calling them evil pedophile satanists and the usual false garbage.

      Besides, ask yourself why there are laws against disparaging religion in European countries… Muslims didn’t write those, Atheists didn’t write those… the Church did to further its theocratic treason.

  • Kevin Leclerc

    HHHMMMM !!! Haven’t We Catholics, Seen Enough of This Horse Shit ? People Are Outraged at A Catholic University…. For ACCIDENTALLY HIRING A 37 Year Old, Practicing Catholic, To Head Up Their Department of Theology. I Tell You All… It is NOT His Age !!!!! IT IS ONLY BASED ON HIS CATHOLICITY !!!!!!! ALL CATHOLICS SHOULD BE UTTERLY UP IN ARMS OVER THESE LIBTARD IDIOTS !!!! … They Should KICK ALL THESE BLASPHEMOUS, HERETICAL, LIBERAL IDIOTS, OUT ON THEIR DOUBLE-SIDED, COINED ASSES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH !!! !

    <3 <3 Amen <3 <3 !!! !

    • Benjamin Warren

      This is satire. Not sure you realize that. God bless.

      • HermitTalker

        Technically yes Benjamin but EOTT adds lots of literary types that fail the satire test.

    • samton909

      Have you considered entering the priesthood? You sound like a natural.

  • JK

    He only applied for the university job as he could – for similar reasons – no longer chair a Catholic health care facility board of management as his opposition to IVF procedures, abortion and euthanasia were clearly ‘adverse to market demands.’

  • samton909

    It’s all a misunderstanding. Kevin said that he was a “practicing Catholic”. By that, he meant a “devout Catholic”. You know, like Nancy Pelosi. So he is not really Catholic, he just used the wrong word to indicate that he does not believe at all. He will fit in just fine.

    • Vanessa L.

      But @sam, what you say would not be news.

  • If this hiring is offensive, they’re going to need a defensive hire to balance out the team.

  • Noel

    While I understand that this is satire, I half-expected the school to be identified as Boston College, and I would not have been surprised.

    • Deplorable S E Delenda

      Georgetown, Fordham, Notre Dame and a myriad of other usual suspects could be models.

  • Mary Bethany

    The only other candidate was a woman and, despite their excuse that the hiring was accidental, they decided a woman, regardless of religious belief would be worse.

    • sixlittlerabbits

      No, that’s not so. They saved money by hiring a male professor and paying him less because they won’t win points with the Feds for hiring a male, especially one who might be WHITE!

  • LX5000

    EOTT is lifting real stories off the news wire again (so it seems).
    Here, let me try help with humour: why did the liberal cross the road? who cares, he’s still stupid! Ha ha ha. Ok my work is done here.

  • Howard M Ccomber

    EOTT is the best satire yet. The funnier part is all of the comments below and the lack of getting the punch line. Vivat Jesus.

  • sixlittlerabbits

    LOLROTF. This satire is too close to the truth.

  • schoooter

    Why is this kid at a Catholic school ???

  • Feston Bulbous

    Is this a satire piece? Has to be.

  • Jeeper752

    This article must be a joke.
    At least, I HOPE it is a joke…

  • Diogenes71

    Didn’t this first appear in the onion?

  • Sarah Tamiian

    love the satire- which is too true…. Catholic families- send your kids to ‘Newman list’ schools- https://cardinalnewmansociety.org/recommended-colleges/

  • pearl87 ✓ᴰᵉᵖˡᵒʳᵃᵇˡᵉ

    This IS satire, right? It isn’t far off the mark from the truth, but the lefty atheists who run the Catholic universities would never speak this honestly about their intentions.