Man Clinging To Aisle Seat Like Grim Death

October 6, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life


A man in his late 50’s is clinging like grim death to the aisle seat and giving no signs of giving up his spot no matter the cost, several witnesses at Our Lady of the Rosary parish are reporting.

The unidentified man, who reportedly showed up to church 20 minutes prior to the start of Mass, is said to not even stand when parishioners pass him.

“I mean, I understand he wants the aisle seat—we all do—but at least stand up to let us through,” longtime parishioner Diane Bianco told EOTT. “Instead of standing up or being courteous and taking a moment to step out into the aisle to let us through, he just awkwardly turns in toward the aisle, allowing us the slightest gap through which to maneuver.”

The man, whose large belly flops over the top of his pants like a waterfall cascading over the lip of a rock, is forcing some parishioners to go around the other side of the pew, though they will most likely end up seated directly next to him.

“It’s ridiculous,” OLR usher Thomas Devall said that he and one other usher are going to the scene to ask people to go around the large obstruction. “His legs are like two Redwood tree trunks—there’s no getting around them, so we’re asking anyone coming to the area to please make a detour and head north toward the center aisle.”

At press time, the unidentified man doesn’t give a crap that you’re a an 86-year-old grandmother using a walker.