Man Clinging To Aisle Seat Like Grim Death

October 6, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

 

A man in his late 50’s is clinging like grim death to the aisle seat and giving no signs of giving up his spot no matter the cost, several witnesses at Our Lady of the Rosary parish are reporting.

The unidentified man, who reportedly showed up to church 20 minutes prior to the start of Mass, is said to not even stand when parishioners pass him.

“I mean, I understand he wants the aisle seat—we all do—but at least stand up to let us through,” longtime parishioner Diane Bianco told EOTT. “Instead of standing up or being courteous and taking a moment to step out into the aisle to let us through, he just awkwardly turns in toward the aisle, allowing us the slightest gap through which to maneuver.”

The man, whose large belly flops over the top of his pants like a waterfall cascading over the lip of a rock, is forcing some parishioners to go around the other side of the pew, though they will most likely end up seated directly next to him.

“It’s ridiculous,” OLR usher Thomas Devall said that he and one other usher are going to the scene to ask people to go around the large obstruction. “His legs are like two Redwood tree trunks—there’s no getting around them, so we’re asking anyone coming to the area to please make a detour and head north toward the center aisle.”

At press time, the unidentified man doesn’t give a crap that you’re a an 86-year-old grandmother using a walker.

  • Veronica

    Ok. Who snitched on me? Don’t you understand I’m claustrophobic??!!
    Didn’t Jesus say “The first shall be last, and the last can have the aisle seat”?

  • Monk

    Of course, this drama unfolds in the rear half of the nave. There are plenty of seats closer to the altar.

  • LionelAndrades

    There is a new option open for Catholics on the feast day of Our Lady of Victories.It is also available for you. Contact your local ordinary.

    Now it is possible for individual SSPX priests to go to the Vatican or the local bishop and tell them that they affirm Vatican Council II(without the premise).Religious from other communities and lay people can do the same.1

    1
    OCTOBER 7, 2017

    SSPX canonical recognition is assured : Vatican Council II (premise-free) is no more an issue
    http://eucharistandmission.blogspot.it/2017/10/sspx-canonical-recognition-is-assured.html

  • Greg Halpern

    What a wonderfully Christian article… (insert sarcasm)

    • samton909

      insert sarcasm in mouth

  • Jim Brooks

    This behavior is known to Ushers as “pew anchoring”, a fairly common problem in most parishes, and one that can be quickly resolved. Simply issue your Ushers with tasers. They don’t need to actually be functional, their presence alone serves the purpose. What is far more difficult to deal with is offensive body odor from the parishioner. As one former Pastor of mine would say “Yes, the first shall be last but the smelly don’t stand a chance”. After repeated reminders that “Cleanliness is next to Godiness”, you may finally have to remind the parishioner that Mass is a weekly obligation and not necessary a Sunday one. A daily service during the week fulfills that obligation just as well and there is better parking at that time. I hope these tips have been hopeful. Jim Brooks, usher, 12 years.

    • HermitTalker

      Moving Sunday to a weekday is like SDA saying Saturday is the Sabbath.

      • Hotrod1962

        Last I looked 4:00 PM Mass on Saturday is still Saturday.

        • HermitTalker

          Your IQ must embarrass your kindergarten teacher Hotie

    • DebraBrunsberg

      I agree. Although, daily Mass does not fulfill that Sunday obligation. I wish it did. I have wanted to ask for a dispensation to NOT attend Sunday Mass. Too many people show up and they actually sit in my pew. At daily Mass, every one knows that the second pew, end seat, is mine. Every one knows this. They also know better than to sit in front of me. Sundays, people sit just about everywhere and they want to shake my hand. Oh, the horrors.

      • Paul Avizinis

        I am getting the shivers as i read your comment. I can identify.

      • Hotrod1962

        Yes, I know how you feel. Last Sunday, some guy was sitting in my seat. Never saw him before, and being the good Christian that I am, did not grab him by the collar and physically moved him. I did have a conversation with him after Mass.
        Some old Protestant churches have booths with names on them. I like that.

    • VeilOfTiers

      Pew anchoring! Yes! And it helps to have a big purse to set down while you go chat with your other aisle-seated friends before Mass.

      If you are a woman of course…

      …otherwise–strange looks.

  • Frank Hammond

    Diane Bianco – come over to my Parish, we have more empty seats than occupied – including many aisle seats. In the “old” days if you didn’t get to Mass at least 15 minutes early there were no seats – not anymore, you can sit any where any time.

  • Hotrod1962

    I got there early…..I could of stayed in bed instead…….I got my aisle seat, and just because a family of five arrives during the Gloria, don’t expect me to slide down the middle of the aisle.
    I will give up my aisle seat when you pry it from my cold, dead buttocks.

    • Veronica

      RIGHT?! If I can wake up early and get my seat 45 minutes before Mass, why do I have to move over for others? Sheesh.

      • Hotrod1962

        If they truly loved Jesus, they would get to His House on time.

        • HermitTalker

          When priests start Mass late they encourage that.

    • HermitTalker

      What’s the point of going to Mass with that self-centred attitude. I used step aside and let them scoot over, not bitch about being shoved.

      • Hotrod1962

        It’s the ushers that push the slide over instead of the step aside move. They all think they are big shots because they collect the money. Who trusts those guys anyway?

        • HermitTalker

          I used object to ushers for regulating communion lines. One objected and told me the Hispanics needed them at their Masses. Logic. Duh

        • Jim Brooks

          The pastor changes, the usher is always there. We’re the real power. As to the money, notice how ushers are almost always members of the Knights of Columbus. Look at the parking lot, the more expensive cars all have K of C emblems. Not a coincidence. Fyi Hotrod, my taser does work. Keep your mouth shut or else. Jim Brooks, usher, 12 years.

          • Hotrod1962

            I know all about you ushers. My Dad was an usher and a 4th degree Knight. He told me all the secrets on his death bed. For that reason, he kept me from being an usher….something about getting to heaven. Plus, I went to an Italian parish in Brooklyn and it was common knowledge that the new rectory and parish center could not of been built without the “holy” persuasion of the ushers.

          • Casper

            I feel better about your misuse of the word “of” when you should use “have”if you are actually from Brooklyn.

          • Hotrod1962

            When your from Brooklyn, you wait IN line, not ON line.

          • Marty Maxwell

            Lol who says wait on line?

          • Hotrod1962

            Sorry…sorry…got it mixed up….New Yorkers say they wait ON line.

          • Frank Hammond

            Your Parish still has ushers? I have not seen an usher in my Parish or the surrounding Parishes for many years. Before Mass one guy is always trying to find people to help with the collection baskets.

          • VeilOfTiers

            We have never had ushers. Who needs them (or even one) when you have 30 people in the pews. They can usher themselves just fine. Everyone can have an aisle seat.

            Yet we always have two volunteers to man the collection baskets…except for the time only three women were at Mass. Then one woman took up the collection.

        • Heinz

          The way you expressed the options gave me the idea to push a small plastic toddler slide over the offending person. That way other parishoners can pass him and have some fun on the way.
          Even granny might like the excitement.

          • HermitTalker

            HEINZ Kids come in 57 varieties, One slide does not fit all.

          • Heinz

            Just as all 57 varieties fit in the same kind of bottle, all 57 parishoners will fit the same kind of slide.

          • HermitTalker

            Good retort. Over here, “Bottle” is slang for cojones!!!

          • samton909

            OK, consider yourself warned.

          • VeilOfTiers

            So why do they figure one size pew fits all? Time for revolution!

  • Monk

    Why don’t parishes automate seating? The pews could be on tracks like the cars of amusement park rides. The ushers fill up a pew in the vestibule and off it goes into the nave while an empty pew rolls up. They could even screen the worshippers at that point for who may be admitted to communion. Most parish liturgies already have that carnival atmosphere already anyway. The cantor in my parish throws up her arms and screeches, for example.

    • HermitTalker

      I recall an old Protestant joke about a new church design that moved the back pews up front automatically; the pulpit descended to the basement after ten minutes. Monk. I would guillotine your cantor as soon as she screeches or flails her hands

    • VeilOfTiers

      Perfect!

  • samton909

    Actually Grim Death clings to the aisle position a little less tightly. Grim Death only uses his hands, whereas your average regular aisle person uses hands, and feet. Bare feet.

  • Osono

    The reason I always try to get the aisle seat is because I have major bladder issues and it is hugely annoying for me and everyone else in the aisle if I have to shimmy in and out of a packed pew 1-3 times over the course of sunday mass to go to the restroom.

    • Osono

      If I can’t get an aisle seat I just sit in the cry room. It’s usually near a bathroom:-p