Francis Pulls Vatican Out Of The “Columbia House 8 CDs For A Penny” Deal

Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he will withdraw the Vatican from the Columbia House 8 CDs For A Penny Deal, breaking with European churches, and fulfilling a major conclave campaign promise.

“Today’s action sends a message that the Vatican no longer makes empty threats,” a boastful Francis told the press, going on to attack his predecessor Benedict XVI. “Signing up the Vatican for this was horrible, one-sided deal that should have never, ever been made. Columbia house gets its money, but we really don’t get anything because no one uses CDs anymore.”

Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby issued a statement denouncing Francis’ decision while urging Columbia House to “continue to meet its own obligations in bombarding the Vatican with special new offers.”

“Our church remains committed to ensuring the agreement is upheld, and will work with all the remaining parties to the deal to ensure this remains the case so that we may ecumenically come together once a month to discuss CDs that we like and those that we disliked.”

Some in the Catholic Church, with one anonymous Cardinal saying, “While I strongly opposed the Columbia House deal, it is a grave mistake to walk away from this deal without a plan for ensuring that [Columbia House] doesn’t launch a barrage of email offers.”