Gillette Introduces New ‘Tampons For Him’

January 17, 2019 by  
Filed under Politics

  Just days after stirring up controversy with an ad attempting to cure toxic masculinity, Gillette today introduced its newest product, ‘Tampons for Him.’ “With our new product, even the most masculine of men will now have a discreet way of tempering the poisonous manliness that they often feel,” said Assistant Gillette Spokesman Alexander Dowgray, adding that the new tampons will help contain the “flow” of the venomous masculinity is... Read More

Local Man Pretty Confident He Just Scored A Relic Of St. Michael the Archangel

January 15, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Gazing in compete awe and wonder, local Catholic Herbert Shepherd was reportedly astonished Tuesday after finding what he believed to be a first class relic of St. Michael the Archangel while sitting on a park bench. “I was sitting, eating my lunch and minding my own business when, what should fall from the sky and land beside me—a white feather.” Shepherd told EOTT, adding that he remembered a flock of birds flying above him as he dropped... Read More

Study: Yes, God Loves You, But That Doesn’t Necessarily Mean He Likes You

January 10, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Confirming the centuries-old belief that God, for some weird reason, loves everyone, researchers at the Vatican said this morning that they now believe that that fact does not necessarily mean that he likes everyone. “Our latest data proves beyond a reasonable doubt that there are a ton of pricks out there,” said lead researcher Dr. Luigi Antonello, adding that researchers found that there was seriously no way in the world that anyone, even... Read More

Mexican President Obrador Calls For Border Wall To Help Keep Out Drunk College Students From Entering Country During Spring Break

January 8, 2019 by  
Filed under Politics

Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador took to national television Tuesday night in his battle over his proposed border wall to keep out drunk college students from the country during spring break. Describing the situation at places like Cabo San Lucas and Puerto Vallarta during the months of February and April as a “growing crisis,” Obrador urged Congress to give him close to $97 billion pesos to keep out “undesirables.” “This... Read More

Report: God Cares More About Your Team Winning Than Anything Else In The World

January 8, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  A team of the most renowned theologians in the world gathered in Hamburg, Germany this week to discuss the importance of your favorite team as it relates to God’s plan for humanity have confirmed that the Lord does, in fact, care about nothing more than your team winning the big game. The report stated that prayers said to God for your favorite team to absolutely decimate the other team in this week’s big match up was the most important thing... Read More

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