Tuscan, AZ–Pastor of St. Genesius Catholic Church in Tuscan, Arizona Fr. Edmond Harrington confirmed to reporters this afternoon that at one point during his first Clown Mass, he looked at his oversized checkered shoes and thought to himself, “Edmond Reginold Harrington, what the hell are you doing?” ”I mean don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel a shred of guilt about it or anything,” Harrington told the press as he brushed away a lock of bright red hair from his painted face, ”but I mean…who could deny how freaking weird the whole thing was. As a kid I never imagined myself saying a Mass. I also never imagined myself exerting so much time and effort trying to pick up a host off an altar with oversized white gloves. Definitely harder than it looks.” Harrington went on to say that there was another point just moments after he had said the words of consecration and had raised the host when he just paused there a minute, gazing, ”not in adoration, but in absolute disbelief” of what the hell he was doing. One deacon said that he knew the Mass was going to be a touch unusual after Harrington handed him a rubber chicken, and asked him to slap him in the face with it some time during the homily. Harrington told Eye of the Tiber that he had gotten frustrated during the dismissal, after having spent a good minute trying to maneuver his plastic red nose so that he could kiss the altar. “It was humiliating,” he said, before smacking himself in the face with a pie.
Brooklyn, NY–Walking to the back of a nauseatingly long confession line with only five minutes to go before Mass yesterday evening, an undeterred and naively optimistic Christopher Repin smiled and greeted penitents in front of him. “God bless you guys,” a cheerful and relaxed Repin told people around him as he held up two fingers in a peace sign for those near the front of the line. Sources say that Repin appeared so at ease in spite of his terrible chances of actually making it in that many parishioners, who were repeatedly and frantically checking their watches, just assumed he was “nuts,” and tried to avoid making eye contact with the confident freak. 31-year-old Bill Weber who was second in line told Eye of the Tiber that he initially chuckled to himself when he saw Repin actually get in line. “I looked at my watch then looked at the line and I was like please. I’m second up and just barely gonna make it. But the guy’s so cheerful and positive…as if he actually has a chance. Guy must be a wacko.” At press time, parishioners in line were relieved to see Repin glance at his watch.
Alameda, CA–Following a string of church closures around the country, St. Stephen Parish in Alameda, California has announced plans to have their upcoming Pentecost Mass sponsored by Tostitos. The move comes just months after Los Angeles Bishop Jose Gomez officially changed the name of the city’s cathedral from Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels to The Buffalo Wild Wings Cathedral. Pastor of St. Stephen Parish Fr. Duncan Conway told reporters this morning that accepting sponsorships helps to alleviate much of the financial stress that comes with keeping church doors open. “Having holy names and churches associated with corporations does take some getting used to, I admit that. But many sports leagues around the world have proven year after year that the financial benefits simply outweigh the negative.” Speaking from his home in Los Angeles, Bishop Gomez told Eye of the Tiber that he’s trying to coordinate sponsorships to appropriate churches and feast days. “For instance, we had two candidates for our next Annunciation Mass. Famous Idaho Potato put in a good bid, but in the end we decided on The Meineke Car Care Annunciation Mass. It seemed the most logical choice since it’s on that day that the Church celebrates Mary’s response to the Angel Gabriel, typically called the ’FIAT,’ and a ’FIAT’ is also a type of car, which fits well with Meineke’s business…and ours.” Other recent sponsorships include The San Diego County Credit Union Feast of St. John Lateran, The Dixieline Lumber Solemnity of St. Joseph the Worker, and the controversial Godaddy.com Fat Tuesday Mass.
Madison, WI––While watching the NBA playoffs and ferociously pounding down an entire six-pack in lieu of Mass this afternoon, 32-year-old off-again, off-again parishioner of St. Perpetua Catholic Church in Madison, Wisconsin Thomas McCain “liked” a page of Jesus, thereby confirming to his wife and kids that he did indeed love Jesus. The post, sent by a friend of Dowels with whom he had not had verbal or physical contact with for over fifteen years, had asked friends to click “Like” if they loved Jesus, and to also repost. “Ha! My wife nagged the living hell out of me again this morning about me not going to church. But look at me now!” Dowel reported as he picked bits and pieces of chicken wings off his shirt and promptly placing them back into his sauce-glazed mouth. “I’ll admit, for a while there I did really feel like he [Thomas] didn’t care about his soul,” McCain’s wife told Eye of the Tiber. “But look at him now…stumbling around, slurring with love for Jesus. It almost sounds like he’s speaking a different language or something. Kinda like after Pentecost when everyone thought the Apostles were drunk cause they were talking in different tongues, but really they were just on fire for Jesus. I don’t know…I guess I stand corrected. Sheesh…I guess he’s gonna have this one to hold over on me for a while.” At press time, McCain, with chin up and head held high, was in the process of sloppily kissing an image of St. Christopher as he drunkenly stumbled over to the kitchen for another Dos Equis.
Washington, DC–A spokesman for the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops announced today that beginning tomorrow on the Feast of the Ascension of the Lord, every holyday of obligation listed on the Liturgical Calender, including Sundays, would from here on be deferred to Easter. The announcement came as welcomed news to many Catholics who found the near-impossible obligations imposed on them by their bishops simply too difficult to fulfil. Spokesman for the USCCB Sister Maxine Howard told the press this morning that the removal of nearly every obligatory holyday was a long time coming. “This will most certainly come as a relief to many Catholics who were falling into sin because of unfeasible Church requirements.” One Catholic we spoke to outside the Church of St. Mark said that he agreed with the decision, and was relieved to know that he would no longer have to sacrifice any more of his time. “It’s not that I don’t like going to church…it’s just that I don’t like going to church days after I just went. And to think that from now on I’ll only be obliged to go once a year? It’s just too kind our bishops. They’re always looking out to make sure we don’t over-burden ourselves.”