Report: New Evidence Shows Lazarus Fell Off Donkey, Died Just Hours After Being Brought Back To Life

May 11, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

  A bible found in Turkey earlier this month has stunned the Christian world after researchers say that the work’s author documents that just a few hours after Lazarus was raised from the grave, he fell off his donkey and died a short time later. What is being called The Gospel of Craig (after its author and former friend of Lazarus) claims that Lazarus “did not live many more hours after, but rather, fell to the earth from off his ass and thus... Read More

Francis Pulls Vatican Out Of The “Columbia House 8 CDs For A Penny” Deal

May 10, 2018 by  
Filed under Politics

Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he will withdraw the Vatican from the Columbia House 8 CDs For A Penny Deal, breaking with European churches, and fulfilling a major conclave campaign promise. “Today’s action sends a message that the Vatican no longer makes empty threats,” a boastful Francis told the press, going on to attack his predecessor Benedict XVI. “Signing up the Vatican for this was horrible, one-sided deal that should have never, ever... Read More

Pontifical Swiss Guard To Remove “Pontifical” From Name

May 3, 2018 by  
Filed under Vatican

Image:gnuckx   In an effort to become more inclusive, The Pontifical Swiss Guard announced this morning that it would begin defending leaders of other faiths for the first time in its long history. Beginning next month, the Pontifical Swiss Guard will be known as the Interreligious Swiss Guard. “Interreligious Swiss Guard perfectly represents the new, inclusive program to help protect Protestant pastors, rabbis, and other religious leaders, including... Read More

Jason Evert Warns Against Premarital Speaking In New Talk To Teens

May 2, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Prominent chastity speaker Jason Evert Monday morning warned students at St. Joseph Catholic High School against the temptation to speak to people of the opposite sex until marriage, saying it could lead to premarital sex. “It’s definitely a gateway to sex,” Evert told EOTT after the hour-long talk. “We need to not only stay away from near occasions of sin, but away from occasions that might lead us to occasions that will lead to other occasions... Read More

Badass Priest Hears Own Confession

March 7, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

According to several sources this week, well-known local badass priest Fr. Blaze Gunner heard his own confession. “Father Gunner is such a badass,” said longtime parishioner Debbie Ratner. “He bilocated once so that while he was delivering a homily, he could, at the same exact time also go outside and have a cigarette before putting it out on his tongue. The man’s a legend.” Ratner also told EOTT she had once witnessed the cool that is Fr. Blaze... Read More

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