Catholic Anti-Vaxxer Doesn’t Trust Doctors Of The Church

February 21, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

In response to criticisms from friends for her decision to not immunize her children from long-eradicated heresies, local Catholic anti-vaxxer Cheri Allen told EOTT this morning that, though the Doctors of the Church were entitled to their opinion, it was ultimately her right to choose by what means she would catechize her children. “Here’s the thing—I’m obviously not a Doctor of the Church, but I have read a lot about this online,... Read More

Man Disappointed After Witnessing Attractive Woman In Third Pew Holding Hands During Our Father

February 20, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

While visiting a new parish last Sunday, 24-year-old Dominic Newman reported seeing an attractive woman seated several pews ahead of him, whom he had been chastely eyeing as a potential wife. His quickly escalating dreams of marrying her and raising a good Catholic family were hopelessly dashed, though, after catching her in the disgraceful act of holding hands during the Our Father. “That was, to say the least, a huge let down,” Newman... Read More

Pope Michael Declares Emergency to Install Communion Rails

February 19, 2019 by  
Filed under Politics

Pope Michael announced Friday that he was declaring a state of emergency to construct communion rails in all Catholic churches across the globe. Bypassing Pope Francis, Michael said he would use executive action “granted to him by God” to siphon money from the Knights of Columbus as well as Peter’s Pence to help pay for the rails, an aide said. Michael made the announcement from his rose garden as he claimed immigration of the laity moving... Read More

Cardinal Kasper Says Bible Spreads ‘Confusion’ And ‘Division’

February 12, 2019 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Just days after Cardinal Müller published a “Manifesto of Faith,” which reiterated fundamental Catholic teachings in response to what he sees as growing confusion about the doctrine of the Faith, Cardinal Kasper has accused him of making “unacceptable blanket statements.” Kasper said that Müller’s Manifesto, that simply reaffirmed basic Catholic teaching found in the Bible and Catechism of the Catholic Church, was an attack on Pope... Read More

Marie Kondo Helps Tidy Up Vatican; Gets Rid Of All But Five Bishops

February 7, 2019 by  
Filed under Vatican

Telling reporters that he brought in famed organizing consultant Marie Kondo to help consolidate and clean up the Vatican, Pope Francis Thursday said that he was now feeling “much better” after decluttering the city-state of all but five of bishops. “Most homes have a few years, maybe a decade’s worth, of clutter to get rid of, but here at the Vatican, we have 2,000 years’ worth of stuff that’s just been lying around,” Francis... Read More

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