Following Mark Wahlberg’s lead, Kevin James asks God to forgive him for “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”

October 25, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Just days after actor Mark Wahlberg statement that he regretted portraying a porn star in Boogie Nights, fellow Catholic actor Kevin James announced today that he hopes God wouldn’t hold the movie Paul Blart: Mall Cop against him. James told EOTT this afternoon that he hopes “that God is not a movie fan and also forgiving” because he says he’s made some “poor choices” over the years. Among those movies James listed were,... Read More

Brother Scores Hot Date With Sister To Homeschool Prom

October 24, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Nebraska homeschooler Jimmy White was overjoyed early Tuesday morning when his sister Jenna White accepted his proposal to go to homeschool prom with him. The homeschool senior told EOTT that he was nervous thinking about how embarrassed he would be if his sister rejected him. “I had butterflies all week,” Jimmy White told EOTT as he pointed at Jenna (who has an uncanny resemblance to her older brother) from across the room. “All I kept imagining... Read More

Prisoners Break Free From Lunch With Pope To Return To Prison

October 18, 2017 by  
Filed under Vatican

Image_Michael Coghlan   Two prisoners in Bologna, Italy escaped during their lunch with Pope Francis yesterday, reportedly fleeing back to their jail cells after what they called a “harrowing experience.” The two inmates, who are serving time at a social reintegration facility in Castelfranco Emilia, told EOTT that, though the few bites of lasagna they ate before ditching the lunch were amazing, they just “couldn’t stomach” another minute... Read More

Knights of Columbus Changes Name to “Knights of Indigenous Peoples”

October 11, 2017 by  
Filed under Politics

  Two months after ditching their ostrich-plume chapeaus, the Knights of Columbus continue their rebranding efforts by announcing the organization shall be henceforth known as the “Knights of Indigenous Peoples.” “This change distances us from that conquistador Columbus,” said Eric Jenkins, Commander of Assembly #4251 and one of nearly two-dozen millennial members nationwide.  “Everyone knows he was a racist.” “We’re not caving into... Read More

Man Clinging To Aisle Seat Like Grim Death

October 6, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  A man in his late 50’s is clinging like grim death to the aisle seat and giving no signs of giving up his spot no matter the cost, several witnesses at Our Lady of the Rosary parish are reporting. The unidentified man, who reportedly showed up to church 20 minutes prior to the start of Mass, is said to not even stand when parishioners pass him. “I mean, I understand he wants the aisle seat—we all do—but at least stand up to let us through,”... Read More

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