Washington, DC––Just one day after he was seen wearing a replica of the cap made famous by 16th century martyr Thomas More, thousands of onlookers today witnessed the beheading of Justice Anton Scalia in the National Mall. Under heavy security, Scalia, a conservative jurist in the Supreme Court, was escorted out of the National Mall by officials for questioning immediately after the Presidential Inauguration yesterday. “After hours of talks with Justice Scalia, it became quite apparent that he had no intentions of accepting Obama as the supreme head of America,” an anonymous official stated after the beheading. “He was asked a number of questions, including whether or not he believed that President Obama had jurisdiction over the Catholic Church in America…whether or not he [President Obama] did or did not have the power to redefine marriage as he saw fit, and also whether Justice Scalia felt silly wearing that hat. To these questions also, it was evident that he would not agree and sign.” After an expeditious trial by his peers at the Supreme Court this morning, Scalia was beheaded in front of thousands at the National Mall. Witnesses at the beheading say that Scalia’s final words were, “I am the President’s good servant, but God’s first. Joking…I never really was the President’s good serv…”
San Fransisco, CA––The new Archbishop of San Francisco, Salvatore Cordileone, said Thursday after his installation, that he was overjoyed to see that the city had such a devotion to God’s covenant with Noah. “Who knew there could be so many rainbows in one place?” he said, happily, to reporters that had gathered after Mass. The 56 year old Archbishop who was recently appointed by Pope Benedict XVI to replace George Niederauer, hopes to work with San Franciscans and all those devoted to the Old Testament pre-deluge patriarch in ceasing California’s gay marriage initiative.