Las Vegas, NV––Citing a large demand for his Folk Mass illusion, part-time magician Fr. George Richmond of Las Vegas, Nevada told reporters Sunday that he would begin to perform the trick every Sunday at 9:00 am. “I remember last time I performed the illusion, I was able to make nearly every one of my parishioners disappear,” said Richmond, noting that he has many other tricks as well, including Clown Mass and Gay Mass illusions. ”The Folk Mass, though, is my favorite, and easily one of the most difficult for me to successfully perform.” Richmond later noted his inability to make anyone above the age of 50 or 60 disappear. “I’m still at a loss at what I’m doing wrong there. I’m only able to make a few of the older generation parishioners vanish during the trick, whereas every young person in attendance vanishes as expected. Another issue is that I still haven’t found a way to make anyone reappear after the trick is completed. It’s kinda like sawing the woman in half and forgetting how to make her whole again.”
Fort Worth, TX––77-year-old Richard Kantor of Fort Worth, Texas is reporting at this hour that he ain’t no gay, and therefore not gonna hold another man’s hand during the Our Father. “I ain’t gonna do it. Never did, never will. Wanna hold my hand, ask me on a date; but don’t expect nothing less than a whack upside the head with this here stick, you hear me?” Kantor, who says he typically prefers Latin Mass because there is “no funny business” going on there, said that the last time a man tried holding his hand during the Our Father, he broke two of his fingers. “Turned out to be my son…that one I regret. Still, he shoulda known better then to get all nancy with his old man.” At press time, Kantor was attending a local Novus Ordo, brimming with the anticipation of breaking another couple fingers for the sake of orthodoxy and heterosexuality.
Los Angeles, CA––The Virgin Mary statue at the entrance of Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral in Los Angeles announced today that it was becoming evermore frustrated and frankly rather confused by the amount of mockery it has received since it was first created. The 8-foot-tall, modern representation of the Virgin Mary told Eye of the Tiber that ever since it was created in 2002, it has been the butt of jokes, scoffs, and laughs by visitors who pass it, despairingly adding that it has oftentimes wished it could just call in sick. ”I guess I’m just more confused than anything else,” the statue said from its station above a pair of bronze doors. “Of course I’ve never looked at myself, but I’m a statue of the Virgin Mary, you know? How bad can I look? People stare at me as though I look like some kind of veilless Jedi with a boy-cut or something.”
VATICAN––In anticipation of today’s apocalypse, the head of the Congregation of the Doctrine of Faith, Archbishop Gerhard Ludwig Müller, asked liberal Catholic groups around the world to hide until notified that the cataclysmic event had ended. “Please hide underground, or just go away…far, far away,” Müller said, through a gasmask in a press conference this morning. “This is real. It’s going to happen. Don’t worry about me…I will brave the radioactivity and all that other scary stuff you see in movies, and I’ll let you know when it’s safe to come out. I don’t know how long it’s going to last, but it will probably be for a very, very, very long time.” It is not known yet how many liberal Catholics have gone into, or are still in the process of hiding, but reports show that it is not as many as Müller had hoped. “Well, It was a good try, right?”
Sherman Oaks, CA–27-year-old Sara Matson confirmed to friends yesterday that she was indeed still very spiritual despite no longer attending Mass. Matson, a World Religions teacher at St. Francis Xavier Catholic School in Sherman Oaks, California reported to her friends that she feels her creator’s presence everywhere. “Not that there’s anything wrong with going to church,” Matson later confirmed. “There’s also nothing wrong with not going to church. And actually, if you really think about it…since our creator, call her what you will, is in everything, then really, everywhere is church, if you kinda think about it like that.” At press time, Matson has asked her friends not to judge her, since you don’t define another when you judge them, but rather, define yourself.