New Eco-Friendly Church Using Biodegradable Chalice
LONDON––Speaking to an assembly of Catholic priests in London yesterday, Pastor of St. Philip Neri Catholic Church in nearby Chigwell, England Fr. Timothy Rooney announced yesterday that he would be transforming his church into a more eco-friendly environment, and encouraged those gathered to follow his lead. “Parishioners considering our churches as a place to pray will ask about our green initiatives. It is important for us to reassure them... Read More
Pope Francis To Defrock 300 Priests For Failing To Say ‘Good Morning’ At The Beginning Of Mass
VATICAN––Shortly after it was revealed that his predecessor, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, defrocked 400 priests for sexual abuse of minors, Pope Francis decreed the immediate removal of priestly faculties for 300 priests from Europe and the Americas who were found in defiance of liturgical norms and persistently refused to greet parishioners with the traditional “Good Morning” liturgical salutation. “The rubrics are clear in this regard;... Read More
Irish Priests To Extend Confession Times To 8 Hours A Day Because Of “Gargantuan” Number Of Penitents
DUBLIN––At the annual conference of the Association of Catholic Priests in Dublin, pastors from across Ireland gathered to voice their concerns about the “gargantuan” number of Catholics going to confession. “This is a full blown crisis,” said Father Brian O’Brian from County Derry. “It’s causing severe pastoral strain on parishes up and down the country.” Father Seamus O’Shea echoed O’Brian’s concerns, going... Read More
Seating For Mass Turns Chaotic After Ushers Call In Sick
Moments after riot police stormed the church to restore order in the pews. Mass at St. Alphonsus Parish quickly turned chaotic earlier this morning after all eight ushers called in sick with the flu. 66-year-old Herman Wible, who one of the first to arrive for the early-morning liturgy, said that “At first I thought that the ushers would soon arrive, so I just waited outside. But by 6:55, as more people arrived, it became clear that no ushers were showing... Read More
Man Drops $10 In Donation Basket Like He’s Some Kind Of Beverly Hills Millionaire
Atherton, CA––In what many witnesses are calling “a stunning act of generosity,” a mysterious parishioner was spotted placing a $10 bill into the donation basket at the St. Mark’s Catholic Church 9:00 am Mass as though he were some sort of Beverly Hills millionaire. “He pulled out a crisp $10 bill from his billfold, snapped it a couple times, folded in half, and flicked it with his finger as if he hadn’t a financial care... Read More