Las Vegas, NV––Citing a large demand for his Folk Mass illusion, part-time magician Fr. George Richmond of Las Vegas, Nevada told reporters Sunday that he would begin to perform the trick every Sunday at 9:00 am. “I remember last time I performed the illusion, I was able to make nearly every one of my parishioners disappear,” said Richmond, noting that he has many other tricks as well, including Clown Mass and Gay Mass illusions. ”The Folk Mass, though, is my favorite, and easily one of the most difficult for me to successfully perform.” Richmond later noted his inability to make anyone above the age of 50 or 60 disappear. “I’m still at a loss at what I’m doing wrong there. I’m only able to make a few of the older generation parishioners vanish during the trick, whereas every young person in attendance vanishes as expected. Another issue is that I still haven’t found a way to make anyone reappear after the trick is completed. It’s kinda like sawing the woman in half and forgetting how to make her whole again.”
Culver City, CA––Parishioners of St. Raymond Catholic Church in Culver City, California were forced to jump into action during Mass early Monday morning when it appeared that only one priest would be available for the consecration. According to sources at the scene, parishioners went into a frenzy when it appeared that visiting priest Fr. Bryce Carbone was close to saying the words of consecration all by himself. “Our regular pastor, Fr. Ed, usually invites us all to gather and encircle the Lord’s table during consecration,” said longtime parishioner Donna Fullwood, before reassuring reporters that Carbone was doing well despite his brush with Mass without liturgical participation. “All I can say is it was a close call. I know a few parishioners are a little shaken up thinking of what could’ve happened if they hadn’t been able to participate. All’s well that ends well, though.” 56-year-old Fullwood went on to recount the story of how 20 or so quick-thinking parishioners rushed into action as Carbone prepared to consecrate the bread and wine without a single layman there to assist him. “We all looked at each other like ‘Oh no,’ then rushed to the altar as quick as we could and surounded it. Then we all lifted one hand each in the concelabratory way. It was amazing how fast everyone moved to assist Fr. Bryce. I’m sure he’s really thankful. Maybe they’ll make a movie about it one day, like Zero Dark Thirty or something.”
Fort Worth, TX––77-year-old Richard Kantor of Fort Worth, Texas is reporting at this hour that he ain’t no gay, and therefore not gonna hold another man’s hand during the Our Father. “I ain’t gonna do it. Never did, never will. Wanna hold my hand, ask me on a date; but don’t expect nothing less than a whack upside the head with this here stick, you hear me?” Kantor, who says he typically prefers Latin Mass because there is “no funny business” going on there, said that the last time a man tried holding his hand during the Our Father, he broke two of his fingers. “Turned out to be my son…that one I regret. Still, he shoulda known better then to get all nancy with his old man.” At press time, Kantor was attending a local Novus Ordo, brimming with the anticipation of breaking another couple fingers for the sake of orthodoxy and heterosexuality.
Hoboken, New Jersey––It is being reported today that Timothy Perkins of Our Lady of Fatima Catholic Church in Hoboken, New Jersey continually made the wrong responses at Mass, despite having the new laminated translation guide in his hands. “He had it in his hands, but he wasn’t using it,” an unnamed parishioner who was sitting next to Perkins at Mass said, adding that Perkins’ baritone voice constantly threw off his own responses. “Honestly, though, how do you still not know the responses? He’s here every week, for goodness sakes.” Other parishioners told Eye of the Tiber that Perkins seemed so confused at one point that he had given up trying to say the correct responses for both the new and the old translation, at one point responding, “And also with your spirit as well.”
Los Angeles, CA–Attempting to explain the physical and emotional toll that an average Sedevacantist would endure during a Novus Ordo, students at UCLA have recently begun tests on 54-year-old Sedevacantist John Weiss of Glendale, California. ”Thus far the results have been quite fascinating,” Head of the Department of Sciences at UCLA Dr. William Manders told Eye of the Tiber. “We began by strapping Mr. Weiss in a pew beside a man wearing shorts. After placing eye clips over his eyes to keep his lids from shutting, we had a woman wearing a tanktop sit directly in front of him. You could immediately see that Mr. Weiss was beginning to sweat and was becoming extremely anxious…almost agitated.”
With the help of the UCLA Theatre Department, Manders began a battery of tests on Weiss, which included a staged Novus Ordo. “It appears as though the moment Mr. Weiss runs across anything remotely sentimental during the Mass, such as a smile on the a priest’s face, his heart rate begins to rise and he begins to mutter what seem to be bitter remarks. At one point Mr. Weiss became quite physical when one of our mock parishioners went to hold his hand during the Our Father. Luckily, we already had placed a taser collar on him, which we were quick to use.”
One department faculty member said she became worried for the “poor soul” when the mock congregation, led by a bearded, ponytailed guitarist, began to sing One Bread, One Body. “He was beginning to twitch for goodness sakes, and I knew then that that was about as much as I could endure. By the time I left he was foaming at the mouth. Don’t they have sedevacantist mice they could test on?”