Local Christian Still Pretty Hopeful Abortion Soon To Be Banned After Brett Kavanaugh Sides With Planned Parenthood
Telling fellow parishioners that even though Brett Kavanaugh for some reason decided to side with liberals in declining to hear a case that could have allowed states to defund Planned Parenthood, local Christian Randal Miller confirmed that he was still hopeful that the new justice was just the man to finally put an end to abortion. “I don’t know, I guess I just have trust in God and his new administration,” Miller told fellow parishioners... Read More
Breaking: Your Side Will Win The Midterm Elections Today Because Of Your Comment On A Facebook Post
In what many are calling a spectacular turn of events, pollsters are now saying that the midterm election today will be won by your side because of a single, passionate comment you wrote on a friend’s Facebook post close to one month ago. “I was a little drunk when I wrote that comment two months ago. In fact, I didn’t even remember writing it until a friend brought it up today. And I gotta be honest—two months old, but the comment still... Read More
Vatican To Allow Trump To Choose American Bishops
Image: Gage Skidmore The Vatican’s recent agreement to give America say over bishop appointments has critics accusing the Church of caving in to the current administration’s pressure. Though the specifics of the deal announced Tuesday are unknown, Pope Francis said this morning that the agreement allows for a discussion with Donald Trump on the naming of bishops, but that ultimately the pope will decide. “The thing is done in dialogue,”... Read More
Brett Kavanaugh To Lead Life Of Prayer, Penance At DC Kegger
Former nominee to the Supreme Court Brett Kavanaugh has begun his life of prayer and penance at a Washington, D.C. kegger, friends and family have reported. Kavanaugh was sentenced to a “life of prayer and penance” by congress this week after allegations of sexual assault at a 1982 house gathering. Some “eighty female sources” close to disgraced former nominee told EOTT that while living in prayer and penance, Kavanaugh will be forbidden... Read More
Francis Writes Emotional Letter To Nike Executives Thanking Them For Taking Spotlight Off Him
Pope Francis has reportedly sent an emotional letter to executives and the marketing team at Nike, thanking them with all his heart for “taking the heat off” him. According to a source close to the Holy Father, the letter, written in pencil and said to be smeared with what looks like the Pontiffs tears, repeatedly thanks the Nike team for “helping a brother out.” My Dearest Nike Team, the letter begins. Words cannot express the gratitude... Read More