Category Archives: Sports

Tostitos Fiesta Pentecost Mass One Of Many New Church Sponsorships

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TOSTITOS

Alameda, CA–Following a string of church closures around the country, St. Stephen Parish in Alameda, California has announced plans to have their upcoming Pentecost Mass sponsored by Tostitos. The move comes just months after Los Angeles Bishop Jose Gomez officially changed the name of the city’s cathedral from Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels to The Buffalo Wild Wings Cathedral. Pastor of St. Stephen Parish Fr. Duncan Conway told reporters this morning that accepting sponsorships helps to alleviate much of the financial stress that comes with keeping church doors open. “Having holy names and churches associated with corporations does take some getting used to, I admit that. But many sports leagues around the world have proven year after year that the financial benefits simply outweigh the negative.” Speaking from his home in Los Angeles, Bishop Gomez told Eye of the Tiber that he’s trying to coordinate sponsorships to appropriate churches and feast days. “For instance, we had two candidates for our next Annunciation Mass. Famous Idaho Potato put in a good bid, but in the end we decided on The Meineke Car Care Annunciation Mass. It seemed the most logical choice since it’s on that day that the Church celebrates Mary’s response to the Angel Gabriel, typically called the ’FIAT,’ and a ’FIAT’ is also a type of car, which fits well with Meineke’s business…and ours.” Other recent sponsorships include The San Diego County Credit Union Feast of St. John Lateran, The Dixieline Lumber Solemnity of St. Joseph the Worker, and the controversial Godaddy.com Fat Tuesday Mass.

USCCB To Consider Implementing Challenge Flags And Instant Replays During Masses

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"Parishioners are challenging the orthodoxy of the homily."

“Parishioners are challenging the orthodoxy of the homily.”

Washington, D.C.–As bishops from across the country gather in Washington, D.C. this weekend for the annual USCCB Liturgical Conference, many within the Church are speculating about rumors that U.S. bishops may vote on a proposal to implement instant replay for every Mass starting in 2014. The idea of using instant replay cameras during Mass was first proposed in 2009 by then Archbishop of New York Timothy Dolan. “I believe that technology could actually be an immense benefit to us,” Dolan told the New York Times in a 2009 interview. ”The idea would be to give a red challenge flag to two or three parishioners to toss onto the sanctuary on behalf of the congregation should they feel something heretical, or something not in line with the rubrics of the Mass had occurred. They would not have ability to throw the flag in the case of an overtly fluffy homily. Once the Liturgy of the Eucharist had begun, all reviews could only then come from upstairs, so to speak.” But some critics of instant replays such as 47-year-old Mary Collins from New Haven, Connecticut says that implementing such a move would mean prolonged Masses. “Mass already takes so long,” Collins told reporters. “Also, there’s something just special about the human element in Mass…you never know what could happen. It’s kinda exciting.”

Notre Dame Linebacker Duped Into Playing For Fake Catholic University

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South Bend, IN––According to sources within the University of Notre Dame last week, star linebacker Manti Te’o was “duped” into attending and playing for what he believed to be a real Catholic university. The university told reporters that Te’o, who became the inspirational force behind the Fighting Irish’s Cinderella run to the BCS National Championship this season, was the target of an elaborate hoax perpetrated against him by Notre Dame officials. Deadspin.com issued a news release Wednesday reporting that it could find no record of the university’s Catholic identity ever existing. A spokesman for Notre Dame confirmed to Eye of the Tiber that Te’o had indeed been the victim of a hoax. “Officials used a fictitious Catholic identity, and were successful in ‘ingratiating themselves’ with Te’o, then conspired with other school officials posing to be scholars, in line with the Magisterium. Later that week, Te’o sat down with ESPN, telling them that he was not as much devastated, as he was confused as to why Notre Dame would go through the effort to pull off the elaborate hoax. “I mean, I’m not even Catholic…I’m Mormon”, Te’o said. “What do I care about the Catholic Church and whether the university’s in line with the Magisterium? Kinda like them, I guess. I don’t know…the whole thing is just kinda weird.”

University Of Steubenville Quarterback Exclusively Throwing “Hail Marys”

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Steubenville, OH––The University of Steubenville, best known for their strict adherence to the Magesterium of the Catholic Church, has decided that their football playbook will continue to contain no other play but the “Hail Mary”. ”Even in football we’re called to heed the words of St. Paul when he says, ‘Pray without ceasing,’” University President Reverend Terence Henry told Eye of the Tiber just moments after he released every running back and tightend from the roster. “No matter the situation, our quarterback will continue to exclusively throw a ‘Hail Mary’. And in this way shall we proclaim the power of the rosary.” And while some have criticized Henry, calling his eccentric decision to continue to limit his play book to “Hail Marys” nothing more than a publicity stunt for the small Catholic college, Henry believes otherwise. “Look…people only tend to pray in desperate situations, and that’s wrong…so why only use this play in desperate situations? All we’re trying to do is to show people that just as you ought to pray without ceasing, so then should you also use this play without ceasing…you following me?” But the radical decision made for a humiliating defeat in a game last month against Ave Maria University when, with Steubenville down by three points with one second left in the game and just one yard from the endzone, Quarterback Rich Vaughan stepped back to pass and launched the football through the uprights and clear into the stands.