Pewsitter Employee Considering Adding A Few Additional Exclamation Points To Headline

After close to an hour of staring at the headline he had just written about Pope Francis, an employee at the news aggregation website Pewsitter has reportedly... Read More

Mass

photo: Gregory L. Tracy

Confused Parishioner Won’t Stop Accidently Saying “And Also With You”

photo: Gregory L. Tracy Hoboken, New Jersey––It is being reported today that Timothy Perkins of Our Lady of Fatima Catholic Church in Hoboken, New Jersey continually made the wrong responses at Mass, despite having the new laminated translation... Read More

Grumpy

Area Parishioner Reporting He’s Not Gay; Ain’t Gonna Hold Another Man’s Hand During Our Father

Fort Worth, TX––77-year-old Richard Kantor of Fort Worth, Texas is reporting at this hour that he ain’t no gay, and therefore not gonna hold another man’s hand during the Our Father. “I ain’t gonna do it. Never... Read More

Study Finds That Tripping Over Vestments And Falling On Face During Mass Sucks A Lot

According to a new study by the USCCB, tripping over your vestments while walking to the altar before falling face first in front of everyone you just passive-aggressively burned during the homily for not donating enough sucks big time. “Of... Read More

Crusades

Family Fighting For Good Seats At Christmas Mass With The Zeal Of 12th Century Crusaders

Los Angeles, CA––Reporting that he and his family had been forced from their aisle seat just minutes after acquiring it, 48-year-old Brenden O’Malley told EOTT moments ago that he would “not rest till his aisle seat was... Read More

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Parish Life

Confessional

Parishioner At The Back Of Long Confession Line Sure Is Optimistic

Brooklyn, NY–Walking to the back of a nauseatingly long confession line with only five minutes to go before Mass yesterday evening, an undeterred and naively optimistic... Read More

Most Doctrinally Sound Sermon Given On The Catholic Faith In Past Three Decades Unfortunately Given By Protestant Pastor

San Marcos, CA–What some are calling the most mesmerizing, breathtaking, and doctrinally sound sermons delivered on the Catholic Faith in the past three... Read More

Man On Catholic Match About Ready To Message-Bomb 130 Women

Friends of longtime Catholic Match subscriber Chuck-50012 told authorities today that he was in the development stages of a mega-message bomb that could potentially... Read More

Uruguayan Pastor Bites Rival Priest During Mass

New York, NY—Just a day after Uruguay star Luis Suarez allegedly bit Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini at the World Cup, Uruguayan born priest, Father Roldolfo... Read More

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Vatican

Why isn't my book selling?

Jesus May Have Been Born Years After Pope Thinks, Claims Incoming Anglican Archbishop

CANTERBURY––The “mistake” was made by 21st century Pope... Read More

Second Synod To Focus On Learning Fundamentals Of Catholic Doctrine

VATICAN–It was announced today that a second synod, tentatively... Read More

Francis

Pope Francis Bows To Refrigerator, Houseplant

VATICAN CITY–As head of state at the Vatican, as well as leader... Read More

Imam Agrees That Catholics Shouldn’t Breed Like Rabbits

Just a day after Pope Francis told Catholics that they should not feel... Read More

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Libs & Trads

NASA Discovers Earth-like Planet That Could Support Maryknoll Fathers

NASA astronomers today revealed that they have discovered an Earth-like planet close... Read More

St. Clare Press Ready To Publish New Non-confrontational Translation Of Bible

Bible roses

Cincinnati, OH––Catholic book publisher and distributer St. Clare Press announced... Read More

New Poll Shows 50% Of Catholics Disagree With Jesus’ Stance On Gay Marriage

Gaymarriage

Novi, MI––A new poll out today shows that about half of Catholics in America... Read More

Man Angry That Only Women Can Become Female Priests

Florence Hensley and companions minutes after practicing mass

Florence Hensley and companions minutes after practicing mass Medford, OR––Speaking... Read More

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