Parishioner Can’t Begin To Explain How Important All The Symbolism Is In Tridentine Mass

Atlanta, GA–Local Tridentine Mass-goer Desmond Wilson reported to friends today that it was difficulty and nearly impossible for him to even begin... Read More

Political

Former Vice President Joe Biden attending Pope Francis' Installation Mass.

[Breaking] Biden Steps Down As VP Hours After Becoming Pro-Life

Former Vice President Joe Biden attending Pope Francis’ Installation Mass. Washington, DC––Vice President Joe Biden announced today that he was stepping down as Vice President just hours after an altercation on the phone between Biden... Read More

Heterosexual

Berkeley Sophomore Anxiously Considering Coming Out Of Closet To Reveal He’s Opposed To Gay Marriage

Berkley, CA–University of California, Berkeley student Emanuel Ramsey revealed to Eye of the Tiber today that he was extremely nervous about possibly coming out of the closet to friends and fellow classmates about his opposition to gay... Read More

Catholic Democrats Vote In Referendum To Secede From Catholicism

Washington—Catholic Democrats voted to secede from the Catholic Church in a referendum yesterday, with final results showing that 95.5% of ballots were in favor of becoming Pagan. Leaders from the Pagan Coalition will pass legislation allowing... Read More

CHS

Bombing Of St. Augustine High School Traced To Manicheans

Nashville, TN–Police officials reported that their investigation following last week’s tragic bombing of St. Augustine Academy for Boys has led them to three possible suspects, members of an underground Manichean ring of terrorists... Read More

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Vatican

Pope Francis Says He Would Baptise Aliens

Pope Francis has said that he would be willing to baptise aliens if they came to the Vatican, asking “who are we to close doors” to anyone – even Martians. In... Read More

McDonald's

Pope Francis To Work Midnight Shift At McDonald’s to Help The Poor

ROME––The new Holy Father, after paying his hotel bill the day of his election to “give an example to priests,” has decided to submit an application... Read More

Flamboyant Lobby

“Pope Literally Meant A Flamboyantly Decorated Lobby,” Vatican Clarifies

VATICAN–Being interviewed via Skype hours ago, Spokesman for the Vatican Press Office Monsignor Bernard Hopkins clarified recent remarks made to a Latin American... Read More

Martians from the northern quadrant of sector 490-3t protesting.

[News From The Future] Martians Protest During Third Vatican Council

Martians from the northern quadrant of sector 490-3t protesting. New Calcedonia, Mars––Thousands of New Calcedonian martians from the northern quadrant of sector... Read More

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Libs & Trads

Florence Hensley and companions minutes after practicing mass

Man Angry That Only Women Can Become Female Priests

Florence Hensley and companions minutes after practicing mass Medford,... Read More

HOMILY1

Dumbstruck Congregation Listens In Awe As “Judgmental” Pastor Delivers Sound Homily

Encinitas, CA–Listening in shock and horror as a visiting priest... Read More

Catholics For Choice Asks Vatican To Allow Abortions In Cases of Rape, Incest, Impending Prom

The pro-choice organization Catholics for Choice today sent a request to... Read More

Pelosi Excommunicates Cordileone

Washington, DC––In an astonishing move today, Minority Leader of the... Read More

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Mass

Tostitos Fiesta Pentecost Mass One Of Many New Church Sponsorships

TOSTITOS

Alameda, CA–Following a string of church closures around the country, St.... Read More

Maestro Who Conducts Symphony With Back Facing Audience Labelled Radical Traditional

Orchestra

Albuquerque, New Mexico––After conducting his first symphony since being named... Read More

Fr. Zuhlsdorf Installs Electric Altar Rails; 2 Women Injured

Z

Madison, WI––It is being reported that the two unidentified Catholics who rushed... Read More

“Our Father” Ringtone Conveniently Goes Off During “Our Father,” Keeping Everyone In Key

OurFather

Topeka, KS–According to sources at Our Lady Star of the Sea Parish in Topeka,... Read More

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