Burke Named Head Of Vatican’s Congregation Of Janitorial Services

The Vatican announced today that Pope Francis has named Cardinal Raymond Burke to be the first prefect of the Congregation of Janitorial Services. Francis’... Read More

Mass

Crusades

Family Fighting For Good Seats At Christmas Mass With The Zeal Of 12th Century Crusaders

Reporting that he and his family had been forced from their aisle seat just minutes after acquiring it, 48-year-old Brenden O’Malley told EOTT moments ago that he would “not rest till his aisle seat was once again reclaimed.” “Beset,... Read More

Image: ChipSomodevilla/Getty Images Europe

Report: Priest Doing That Stupid Thing Where He Walks Up And Down Aisle During Homily

Image: ChipSomodevilla/Getty Images Europe Being asked about how their weekends were going, parishioners at St. Luke Parish announced Sunday that Fr. Todd Bunnell is, yet again, leaving the podium and making his way down to the aisle to preach... Read More

"Parishioners are challenging the orthodoxy of the homily."

USCCB To Consider Implementing Challenge Flags And Instant Replays During Masses

“Parishioners are challenging the orthodoxy of the homily.” Washington, D.C.–As bishops from across the country gather in Washington, D.C. this weekend for the annual USCCB Liturgical Conference, many within the Church are speculating... Read More

Mass Meme (1)

ICEL Calls For All-Meme Missal Translation For Youth Masses

Washington, DC––Citing a need for the Church to “reach out to its estranged youth,” the International Commission on English in the Liturgy requested, and has already begun intensive work on, an all-meme edition of the Roman Missal.... Read More

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Parish Life

Barron Wondering Why Bad Things Happen To Good People

Just hours after being named auxiliary bishop to the Archdiocese of Los Angeles by Pope Francis, Fr. Robert Barron has reportedly begun contemplating the problem... Read More

Pastor Encourages Parishoners To Use New Click-To-Confess Feature On Church Website

Raleigh, North Carolina––After revealing new updates to the parish website, pastor of St. Claire Church Fr. Nicholas Walker told his flock that should they... Read More

Overzealous Priest Overturns The Tables Of The Money Changers In Church Gift Shop

Louisville, KY––In what the police are calling a “fanatical act committed while in the state of a nervous breakdown,” Associate Pastor of St. Margaret Catholic... Read More

Bible

Man In Search Of Answers Closes Eyes, Flips Through Bible, Says “Stop,” “Left Page,” “Right Column”

Bowling Green, KY––It was reported earlier this morning that 31-year-old Alvin Rush, who just hours ago left a job interview, recently sat down to pray about... Read More

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Politics

Everyone just chill out!

Italian Doctor Prescribes Israel, Palestine High Dose Of Chill Pill

ROME––At the request of Pope Benedict XVI, Rome’s foremost family counselor Dr. Umberto... Read More

Pope Benedict XVI speaks on the podium upon his arrival at Beirut's airport

Pope’s Address to Syrians in Lebanon: “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things!”

Beirut, Lebanon––Speaking to tens of thousands of Middle Easterners... Read More

Image: Gage Skidmore

Trump Overturns Roe v. Wade

Image: Gage Skidmore Just a day after Donald Trump shocked the world by... Read More

Mike Segar/Reuters

Audience Of Undecideds Patiently Await Good Zinger To Decide Their Vote

Mike Segar/Reuters After patiently enduring a 90-minute presidential debate... Read More

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Libs & Trads

No One At Mass Sure Whether They At Catholic Or Protestant Service

Despite efforts to figure whether they were in a Catholic or Protestant service,... Read More

Notre Dame Linebacker Duped Into Playing For Fake Catholic University

manti-teo-heisman

South Bend, IN––According to sources within the University of Notre Dame last... Read More

Pope Michael Doesn’t Know What All The Commotion Is About

Upon all thee that follow me, I impart my apostolic blessing

Belvue, KS–Sources close to Pope Michael are strongly denying reports out... Read More

New Study: Sedevacantists Feeling Our Pain…A Lot

Sede Vacante

Oyster Bay Cove, NY–A new study out today by the Society of St. Pius V reveals... Read More

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