Bombing Of St. Augustine High School Traced To Manicheans

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CHS

Nashville, TN–Police officials reported that their investigation following last week’s tragic bombing of St. Augustine Academy for Boys has led them to three possible suspects, members of an underground Manichean ring of terrorists in the Nashville area. “After the bombing, in which 6 boys and 1 Augustinian priest were injured,” said the Commissioner, “there was a flood of speculation about who would have the heart to commit such an awful act, and who would be holding a grudge this ugly against the Augustinians.” After doing their research, which included browsing through the “Augustinians” page on the old Catholic Encyclopedia found on Newadvent.org, the team of investigators began to consider the possibility that this was more than a random act of violence, but could indeed be the result of a centuries-old feud. “St. Augustine converted from the Manichean religion, and attacked many of its teachings in his subsequent writings,” continued the Commissioner. “It is not impossible that this bombing was an act of revenge.” At press time, Manichean groups were protesting at the courthouse, carrying signs reading, “We are a religion of peace.”

“Life On The Rock” Inexplicably Picked Up For Yet Another Season

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LOTR

Birmingham, AL––The EWTN program Life On The Rock was inexplicably picked up for yet another season this week, baffling many of its viewers as well as network CEO Michael Warsaw. A source at the network announced this week that “for absolutely no good reason whatsoever” they have decided to pick up the show for teens and young adults for another season. “To be honest, I haven’t the faintest clue why we keep doing this to our viewers,” Warsaw said, laughing. “It started out years ago as an April Fools joke, and for some reason or other it just stuck.” Warsaw went on to say that, though the program is painful in itself, that it has had some good effects on its “Catholic Militant viewership.” “From the outset of each program the viewer is made to watch and listen to the theme song, which can be used as a means to purge the soul of sins, so we believe.” But one viewer, a former agnostic from Rochester, New York who asked to remain anonymous, told Eye of the Tiber that the program has done nothing but question his belief in all that is good and beautiful. “I just…I don’t know. Sometimes I just wonder how a good and loving God could allow something like this to happen…season after season.”

Pope Francis To Investigate Roman Curia On TV Show “Undercover Boss”

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Undercover Pope

ROME–Executives from CBS confirmed Wednesday that Chief Executive Officer of The One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church Pope Francis would be appearing in this season’s finale of the hit television show Undercover Boss. The finale, slated to appear in late May, will feature the Pontiff taking on an alias and fictional backstory as he navigates his way through different parts of the Vatican in an attempt to investigate the inner workings of the Curia. Series Creator and Producer Stephen Lambert told Eye of the Tiber that it was one of the most difficult episodes he’s ever worked on. “Usually it’s the CEO of 1-800-FLOWERS or something, so it’s typically a lot easier to hide their identity…but when it’s the Bishop of Rome, that’s when it gets a bit tricky.” Lambert went on to say that the episode had some hallmark moments, especially the moment his true identity is revealed. “Everyone is shocked, as expected. But what really shocked us most was how many people said, ‘Oh, crap,’ after the revelation.”

Renovation Construction for Rio Shuttlecock Cathedral Nearing Completion

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before and after

A before and after image of the soon to be fully renovated Shuttlecock Cathedral in Rio.

RIO DE JANEIRO––As construction efforts to renovate Rio De Janeiro’s cathedral into a multi-purpose worship/badminton arena continue this month, sightseers from across the globe are flocking to the second-largest city in Brazil to witness the unique transformation. As both World You Day and 2016 Summer Olympics draw near, the Catedral Metropolitano de São Sebastião is just weeks away from being completed. A red dome attached in the final stages of the renovation project, which is expected to make it look more than ever like a shuttlecock is not only a symbol of the sport that unites countries from around the world every four years, but, as chief architect Rodrigo Silva says, will symbolize the Ascension of the Lord. “Because just as the Lord ascended into heaven, so then does the shuttlecock, when struck properly, ascend into the air, or something like that.” Silva went on to tell Eye of the Tiber that multipurpose cathedral will most come into play, so to speak, during the Summer Olympics when badminton matches conclude, and the court is transformed into a Catholic worship center. “As the world’s spotlight turns to Brazil, we are looking forward to sharing our rich culture of lawn-sports with all the travelers who will see this magnificent structure. If you are one of those who say Catholic Cathedrals should invoke the heavenly and eternal, then first visit Rio, see our badminton church, and then let’s talk.”

New Text Message Mass All The Rage At Gonzaga University

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th Lord b W u : )

Spokane, Washington–Expressing sadness for the lack of attention from parishioners during Sunday Masses, Gonzaga University priest Fr. John Conti has recently instituted an all new ”Text-Message-Only Mass.” The Gonzaga graduate who just celebrated his 15th anniversary of priesthood told reporters that the idea came to him as he sat listening to the deacon read the epistle. “I looked out and saw all these college kids reading texts messages on their phones,” Conti said. ”That’s when I knew the Church needed to catch up or risk being left behind, so to speak. So I figured, heck, if they’re already on their phones, might just be easier to text them the prompts and they can just text back the responses.” Conti went on to say that people can think of the new approach to the Mass as a “Novus Ordo Low Mass,” in that it’s quiet throughout the Mass, but that the text messages are in the vernacular rather than Latin. 20-year-old Ganzaga junior Jane Douglas told Eye of the Tiber that the Text-Message-Only Mass has made her enjoy going to Mass again. “It’s sorta awesome now. Last Sunday I was texting my boyfriend and I got this text that was all like ‘Th Lord b W u,’ and I was all texting back like, ‘n w ur spirit ; ),’ and then I went back to texting my boyfriend, and we decided we’d just go pick up my roommate Sarah and then go to the BYOB bonfire. I guess it’s just kinda cool to know you don’t have to leave your social life just cause your at church.” Conti says that if it weren’t for the distribution of the Eucharist, he would be happy to have the Mass go completely virtual. “I like to call it ‘e-fellowship.’”