Washington, DC––Just one day after he was seen wearing a replica of the cap made famous by 16th century martyr Thomas More, thousands of onlookers today witnessed the beheading of Justice Anton Scalia in the National Mall. Under heavy security, Scalia, a conservative jurist in the Supreme Court, was escorted out of the National Mall by officials for questioning immediately after the Presidential Inauguration yesterday. “After hours of talks with Justice Scalia, it became quite apparent that he had no intentions of accepting Obama as the supreme head of America,” an anonymous official stated after the beheading. “He was asked a number of questions, including whether or not he believed that President Obama had jurisdiction over the Catholic Church in America…whether or not he [President Obama] did or did not have the power to redefine marriage as he saw fit, and also whether Justice Scalia felt silly wearing that hat. To these questions also, it was evident that he would not agree and sign.” After an expeditious trial by his peers at the Supreme Court this morning, Scalia was beheaded in front of thousands at the National Mall. Witnesses at the beheading say that Scalia’s final words were, “I am the President’s good servant, but God’s first. Joking…I never really was the President’s good serv…”
ROME––At the request of Pope Benedict XVI, Rome’s foremost family counselor Dr. Umberto Navarro announced today that he has sat down with Israel and Palestine to try to encourage the volitile couple to peacefully work out their issues. “I sat down with the couple for an hour long counseling session and it quickly became apparent that the relationship is not only insecure, but emotionally unstable,” Navarro said. He went on to tell reporters that the couple was, in his professional opinion, “one jacked up couple.” Navarro later issued his assessment of the relationship, recommending separation for the time being as a result of irreconcilable differences.
New York, NY––Local Catholic and Liturgical stickler Gerry Brownstone was offended earlier today when leaving his local Food-Mart, after the greeter wished him a “Merry Christmas.” “Who does that guy think he is, saying that to me?” Brownstone said. “Advent has barely begun. The Liturgical Calendar has a Christmas season, you ignoramus, and it begins after the Feast of the Nativity, not a month before.” A visibly irritated Brownstone continued, “I don’t wish you a Blessed Pentecost the week before the Ascension, do I? Grow up.” When asked what he preferred as an Advent salutation, Brownstone answered: “I don’t know. Maybe something about the Season of Advent, like ‘Advent’s Greetings,’ or something about the holiness of the days that are coming, like ‘Happy Holidays.’ Either of those would be liturgically more acceptable.” He concluded his tirade, “It’s like there’s a War on Advent out there.”
Shelby, MI–Decrying the recent secularization of the comic book industry, Christian groups across the nation are joining forces to defend traditional values in the “War on X-Men.” “First the God-given charisms of the X-Men are explained by a bogus evolutionary theory of ‘mutation,’ now Christ is completely taken out of the picture,” said a spokesperson at a local demonstration in front of “Comics n’ Whatnot.” “The next thing you know, we won’t be able to send our kids to school wearing Wolverine t-shirts or be able to express our beliefs at all.” When asked why this was the issue being protested and not the more common phrase “Xmas,” the spokesman answered, “Well the X in Xmas comes from the Greek letter Chi, the first letter in Christos. Protesting that would just be silly.”
Berkley, CA––The civil liberties organization American Atheists has sued the U.S. government to remove the letters “G,” “O,” and “D” from the English alphabet, arguing that the letters “often come together in such an order as to promote a belief in God,” its director, Edward Kegin, said Friday. “The letters represent a violation of rights to many atheists around the country, in that the letters are being misused to promote religion.”
Some now believe that the lawsuit may eventually be modified so as to also remove the letters “F,” “A,” “T,” “H,” “E,” and “R.” American Atheists’ President David Silverman said that the letters are an “offense and no less of an attack on the rights of man than was the inquisition.”
In a letter to members of American Atheists Friday, Silverman wrote, W- c-n n- l-n— s–n- by -n- w–c- -s -u- -i—s -n- ——ms — —mpl– -n by –li-i-us z–l–s. N- l-n—…n- m—!