[BREAKING] Benedict To Remain Pope, Area Catholic Dreaming

Albany, NY––Just days after he shocked the world by announcing his decision to retire at the end of the month, it is now being reported that Pope Benedict XVI has announced that he has, after much reflection, “decided to stay on board.” The decision was announced inside the slumbering brain of 26-year-old Catholic Robert Griffith just moment ago inside what appeared to be the Papal Palace, but in all actuality felt like it was his parents’ home back in Iowa, even though they don’t live there anymore. “I have decided to reverse my decision to resign from the papacy,” the Pontiff reportedly told a gathering of reporters that appeared in the form of jackasses. “According to Fr. Fessio, ‘The time of giants will be over for a while,’ but I say, ‘not so fast, cowboy.'” The Pontiff, who appeared younger and full of energy, while for some reason resembling Jake Thompson, who sat next to Griffith in 6th grade Biology went on to ask all of the jackass reporters to “Just pretend that this week never happened.” At press time, Griffith had awoken to the sound of gardeners mowing the lawn, and the sad reality that his liberal friends were still happy.