Area Man Gives Himself Dispensation From Mass In Honor Of Solemnity Of NFL Week 1

Baton Rouge, LA–Baton Rouge Catholic Julian White announced early Saturday that he has granted himself a dispensation from going to Mass this week in honor of the long-awaited start of the NFL season. “The dispensation is given with the recommendation that I honor week 1 of the NFL season by praying that I made the correct Fantasy lineup changes,” White said in a written statement to his wife posted on the fridge. “Furthermore, I ask that you, my dearest wife, do pray for my soul whilst at Mass, and pray also that my Fantasy QB Matt Ryan may somehow gain for me some ground on the 60 points that I lost Monday night due to Cry me a Rivers’ spectacular and frustrating decision to pick up Peyton Manning in the draft.” The dispensation went on to state that if the Houston Texans won their week 1 opener to the San Diego Chargers, allowing him to move on to the second week of his Suicide Pool, that he would plan to attend Mass with his wife for the remaining 2013-14 season. At press time, Mrs. White has not stopped glaring at her husband, and intends on standing there right in front of the television until he gets up from the couch. Now!