USCCB Announces Plans To Come Out With Dark, Gritty Reboot Of The Mass

In an effort to attract more young people, the USCCB announced today that they will begin working on a dark, gruesome, and gritty reboot of the Novus Ordo.

Speaking with EOTT, Bishop Robert Lombardo, who came up with the idea for the reboot, said that they hope to begin saying the new Mass beginning next fall.

“Right now we’re just beginning to work on the new translation, which we’re tentatively calling ‘The Mass: Rise of the Godman.’”

Lombardo also went on to explain that the reboot would skew more towards gritty priests and deacons and away from the smiling and happy priest and deacon that we’ve become accustomed to seeing.

“These days young adults are spending so much of their time and money watching dark movie reboots, so there’s no reason why we can’t do that within the context of the Mass. To say to someone in their 20’s and 30’s, ‘Hey, you enjoyed that gritty and gruesome movie last night, now come to Mass and enjoy the complete opposite of what you loved last night,’ is absurd. We have to give them what they want is what it boils down to.”

Gotham bishop Leonard Kelly told EOTT that the bishops also discussed a reboot for all the sacraments, including Confirmation, which will be called The Sacrament of the Blood Oath, Anointing of the Sick, which will be called The Sacrament of Bodily Annihilation, and Matrimony, which will be called The Sacrament of Mental Annihilation.

We also plan to change the vestments so that they’re simply red mantles and hoods, with the red symbolizing blood, all the blood Christ spilled for our transgressions.

At press time, Kelly has cryptically stated that it is time for the youth to heed the calling of the Light, saying “You either die a saint or live long enough to see yourself become the devil,” before throwing the hood over his head and leaping off the top of a church spire.