Man Spends All Mass Angry At Jesus–His Gardener

Cincinnati, OH––It was reported this week that 34-year-old parishioner of Holy Family Parish in Cincinnati Karl Tucker spent all Mass Sunday bitter at his gardener, Jesus, for what he called “years of neglected requests.” “It just seems like he never listens anymore,” Tucker reported to friends after Mass. “Every week, it’s like, I ask him to cut my lawn a certain way, and he just goes ahead and does it his own... Read More

Franciscan University Of Steubenville Quarterback Exclusively Throwing “Hail Marys”

Steubenville, OH––Franciscan University of Steubenville, best known for their strict adherence to the Magesterium of the Catholic Church, has decided that their football playbook will continue to contain no other play but the “Hail Mary”. “Even in football we’re called to heed the words of St. Paul when he says, ‘Pray without ceasing,'” University President Reverend Terence Henry told EOTT just moments after he... Read More

Latino Gang Member’s Our Lady Of Guadalupe Tattoo Used For Devotions

The Barrio––Mother of Latino gang member “Joker” announced today that Sunday’s family hour of devotion before the elaborately tattooed image of Our Lady of Guadalupe on her son’s naked back was a complete success. “Everything was beautiful,” she told Eye of the Tiber. “He stood with his back turned to us, and we turned off the lights, and lit two candles, and put them on both sides of the sacred image of... Read More

Liberal Catholic University To Replace Church With Massive Cafeteria

Miami, FL––To help accommodate the diverse palates of Mater Dei University’s large Catholic student-body, President Jon Heinz has announced plans to build the largest cafeteria in the U.S. The cafeteria, which is tentatively scheduled to be built in the summer of 2014, would eventually replace the university’s main church at the center of campus. The plan was announced in a letter to donors Friday requesting extra funds to help pay... Read More

Thousands Camp Outside Churches In Anticipation Of Black Friday Masses

Hundreds of church-goers stamped into Saint Theresa Parish on Black Friday, 2011, just moments before four are tragically trampled to death. As anticipated, thousands of church-goers have already camped out in front of churches all across the nation in anticipation of Black Friday Masses. Joseph Evanovich of New Orleans says that an opportunity to get closer to the tabernacle for Mass drove him to forgo traditional Thanksgiving day family gatherings. “I’ve... Read More

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