People Preparing McCarrick Report Same People As Counting Votes In Nevada
After days of ballot counting in Nevada, officials from the state revealed earlier this morning that they were, in fact, the same people that were... Read More
Mass
Family Fighting For Good Seats At Christmas Mass With The Zeal Of 12th Century Crusaders
Reporting that he and his family had been forced from their aisle seat just minutes after acquiring it, 48-year-old Brenden O’Malley told EOTT moments ago that he would “not rest till his aisle seat was once again reclaimed.” “Beset,... Read More
“We’re Taking All The Good Seats On Christmas, And You’re Gonna Stand There And Like It,” Nominal Catholics Report
YOUR PARISH––”We’re taking every pew and every freaking seat in the house tonight and tomorrow, and you’re just gonna have to stand there and like it,” bitter Christmas/Easter Catholics told the nation’s practicing... Read More
Liturgical Dancer Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Drugs
It is being reported this morning that world-renowned liturgical dancer Doris Griffin has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. A USCCB spokesman said that trace amounts of an illegal substance were found in Griffin’s blood... Read More
USCCB To Consider Implementing Challenge Flags And Instant Replays During Masses
“Parishioners are challenging the orthodoxy of the homily.” Washington, D.C.–As bishops from across the country gather in Washington, D.C. this weekend for the annual USCCB Liturgical Conference, many within the Church are speculating... Read More
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Libs & Trads
Woman Shocked To Learn Her Daughter Eloping In Vegas After Doing Nothing to Catechize Her
Image: Antoine Tavenaeux Local Catholic Marissa Vaughan was saddened to learn this afternoon that her daughter had decided to elope in Las Vegas after years of... Read More
Notre Dame Linebacker Duped Into Playing For Fake Catholic University
South Bend, IN––According to sources within the University of Notre Dame last week, star linebacker Manti Te’o was “duped” into attending... Read More
USCCB To Publish Compendium Of The Compendium Of The Catechism For College Students
Washington, DC––It was announced today that the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops will be coming out with their highly anticipated Compendium of... Read More
Breaking Bad Finale: Walter White’s Issues Revealed As Consequence Of Poor Childhood Catechesis
Albuquerque, NM–After five seasons, the critically acclaimed AMC drama Breaking Bad came to end last night with a stunning twist revealing that the string... Read More
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Politics
Blogger Who Wrote Scathing Post On ‘Laudato Si’ Considering Reading Encyclical For Himself
Catholic blogger Dermot McHenry, who wrote a scornful attack on Laudato... Read More
Pewsitter Employee Considering Adding A Few Additional Exclamation Points To Headline
After close to an hour of staring at the headline he had just written... Read More
Cardinal Burke Calls For “Extreme Vetting” Of Protestant Converts
Image: CanonLawJunkie In a speech in Rome last night, Cardinal Raymond... Read More
Congregation For Divine Worship Rules Against FSSP Novus Ordo Ban
Image: Staselnik A Congregation for Divine Worship panel has unanimously... Read More
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Vatican
Vatican Insiders Reveal Benedict Resigned Because Roman Curia “Too Fabulous”
Sources close to Pope Benedict revealed today that the ultimate reason for his resignation... Read More
EWTN Set To Premiere New Epic Series, Game Of Papal Thrones
Image: Andrew Hermiz There was some exciting news for Game of Thrones fans who also... Read More
New American Idol Format For Papal Elections Under Way
VATICAN CITY––With just one day left before voting begins to elect a new pope,... Read More
Local Doctor Tells Patient to Stop Being “Obsessed” with his Cancer
Minneapolis, MN––Dr. Simon Townsend, in an interview with United States Magazine,... Read More