People Preparing McCarrick Report Same People As Counting Votes In Nevada

After days of ballot counting in Nevada, officials from the state revealed earlier this morning that they were, in fact, the same people that were... Read More

Mass

No Laity Found To Bring Up Gifts To Altar; Consecration Delayed Two Hours

  Pastor of St. Dwenden Catholic Church Ben Gregory was forced to postpone the consecration for nearly two hours earlier this morning after lead usher Kevin Sarkosy was unsuccessful in locating anyone willing to bring up the bread... Read More

Eucharistic Minister Sanitizing Hell Out Of Hands Before Distributing Communion

Local Eucharistic Minister Courtney Smith has been sanitizing the living hell out her hands for the past two minutes in preparation to distribute Holy Communion, parishioners are reporting. According to parishioners at the 9:30 morning Mass... Read More

Liturgical Dancer Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Drugs

It is being reported this morning that world-renowned liturgical dancer Doris Griffin has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. A USCCB spokesman said that trace amounts of an illegal substance were found in Griffin’s blood... Read More

Lazy Man Not Helping To Put Up Kneeler

West Bloomfield, MI––A source out of St. Ulric Catholic Church in West Bloomfield, Michigan confirmed Sunday that parishioner Alexander Ramsey had not lifted a finger to assist in putting up or down the kneeler for the consecration. “I... Read More

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Libs & Trads

Traditionalists Sanction Protestant Communities Over Vatican II Liturgical Hacks

In a drastic move to secure traditionalist Catholics from liturgical hackers, the Burke administration on Thursday slapped a number of Protestant communities and... Read More

Pope Michael Doesn’t Know What All The Commotion Is About

Belvue, KS–Sources close to Pope Michael are strongly denying reports out Monday morning claiming that the pontiff will be retiring at the end of February.... Read More

National Catholic Reporter Beats Out Eye Of The Tiber For Best Catholic News Parody

Los Angeles, CA––Winners of the 10th annual National Catholic Awards were announced last night at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood. The star-studded event, which... Read More

Area Baptist Church Runs Out Of Welch’s 100% Grape Juice For Communion

San Diego, CA–Pastor Kyle Sandera of Newlife Baptist Church in San Diego, California says that an unanticipated large crowd at Sunday service this past weekend... Read More

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Politics

Pope Francis Aides Conspired to Snarl Communion Line Traffic in Basilica of Cardinal Who Did Not Cast Vote for Him

VATICAN––It was revealed today that senior assistants to Pope Francis... Read More

New Archbishop of Canterbury Makes Compelling Case For Gay Marriage

ENGLAND–The Most Reverend Justin Welby was formally enthroned earlier... Read More

Cardinal Dolan, Pope Francis Can’t Seem To Find A Case For Excommunicating Andrew Cuomo

Image: Pat Arnow   Conceding that, though the Catholic Church would... Read More

Congregation For Divine Worship Rules Against FSSP Novus Ordo Ban

Image: Staselnik A Congregation for Divine Worship panel has unanimously... Read More

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Vatican

BREAKING: Priests Accused Of Selling Indulgences For Bit Coins

VATICAN––Sources are confirming this morning that 11 priests are being accused... Read More

Pope Francis Tells Total Prick: “God Loves You, But The Rest Of Us Think You’re An Ass”

  A prick, who has been a complete and utter bastard to friends and strangers... Read More

Pope Francis Seen Walking Around The Vatican Carrying Bloody, Barbed Wire Baseball Bat

Rumors out of Rome began swirling yesterday after Pope Francis was seen walking... Read More

2014 Sochi Olympics: Why Has The Vatican Yet To Medal?

SOCHI, Russia––For only the third time in Winter Games history, the United States... Read More

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