Wind Gust Nearly Blows Off Benedict’s Zucchetto, Leading Media To Speculate About More Stuff

VATICAN CITY–Media outlets around the world are buzzing with speculation this evening after viewing images showing Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI’s zucchetto nearly blowing off his head before the former pontiff entered the helicopter taking him to Castle Gondolfo. The 85-year-old former Pope was seen desperately clutching his signature white zucchetto as a gentle gust of wind pressed against him, nearly tipping the skullcap off... Read More

Report: Mahony’s Pretty Much Got This Pope Thing In The Bag

“The only question that remains is what name he shall take.” VATICAN CITY–The Italian Newspaper La Rupubblica is reporting today that a member of the Vatican Curia confirmed to them that, barring a shocking upset, the former head of the Los Angeles Diocese Cardinal Roger Mahony has all but locked up his spot as the Catholic Church’s 266th Bishop of Rome. “An anonymous member of the Curia has revealed to us that the... Read More

Vatican Insiders Reveal Benedict Resigned Because Roman Curia “Too Fabulous”

Sources close to Pope Benedict revealed today that the ultimate reason for his resignation was not his old age, but in fact an inability to keep up with the “fabulousness” of the Roman Curia. “The Holy Father is a simple man,” our sources said, “and can’t keep up with the non-stop furniture re-arrangements, the hair stylings, or the near-hourly musical numbers he found himself surrounded by in the Vatican.” The source revealed that, in mid-conversation,... Read More

Parishioners Mystified By Sudden Appearance Of Mysterious, Shiny Golden Box

Just weeks after being appointed a new young pastor, parishioners at St. Agatha Catholic Church were baffled this morning when they saw a large, gold, “magical box-looking thingy” sitting directly behind the altar as they entered church. “Well, we all walked in to church this morning and saw this golden box placed right where our old pastor, Fr. Rick, sat during the Mass,” a visibly shaken parishioner Carli Welk told reporters.... Read More

Fr. Zuhlsdorf Installs Electric Altar Rails; 2 Women Injured

It is being reported that the two unidentified Catholics who rushed the altar this morning to assist Fr. John Zuhlsdorf during the Mass were injured after they were shocked by electric altar rails installed by the priest. The well-known Catholic priest and blogger told EOTT that he initially did not know what happened. “I was preparing to have the electrified rails turned off so I could distribute Holy Communion when I heard the sound of something... Read More

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