Purr-iest Says Meow Culpa At Wrong Part of Cat Mass

June 16, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Cat-alina Island, CA–Speaking to his congregation after the 9:00am Cat Mass yesterday, pastor of St. Francis of Assisi Catholic Church in Cat-alina Island, Fr. Bojangles, apologized for having said the Meow Culpa at the wrong part of Mass. “I’ve never done that before,” a baffled Bojangles told those gathered as he licked his paw over and over again before wiping his face clean. “I’m taking this kinda hard right now be-claws I’m a purr-fectionist.” While... Read More

A Catholic’s Guide To The World Cup

June 12, 2014 by  
Filed under Politics

Spain: Spain is currently the strongest team in world. This is largely due to the fact that 76% of the country consider themselves Catholic. Speed and agility is a trademark of the Spaniard and was best exhibited during the battle of Lepanto in October of 1571, commanded by Don John of Austria, the illegitimate son of the Holy Roman Emperor Charles I of Spain. They have been on an immense roll ever since their defeat of the Muslims and they show no signs... Read More

Peace Breaks Out In Israel Moments After Magic Olive Tree Planted

June 9, 2014 by  
Filed under Politics

VATICAN–Just moments after Israeli President Shimon Peres and his Palestinian counterpart Mahmoud Abbas helped Pope Francis plant an Olive Tree in the Vatican Garden yesterday, the Jewish news outlet The Fiddler reported that peace had broken out in Israel. Upon hearing the news, Pope Francis told Israeli and Palestinian leaders “I told you so. I told you so. Didn’t I tell you this was a magic tree?” Surrounded by Palestinians and... Read More

Rival Knights Of Columbus Councils Clash Swords Over Territory

June 8, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  (Photo: Shealah Craighead) Orlando, FL–Rival councils of the Knights of Columbus clashed with one another on Friday at Our Lady of Good Intentions parish hall in Orlando, Florida, officials have confirmed. At least 12 Knights were injured. “We believe that the clash may have started after two Knights of Columbus Field Agents attempted to sell life insurance to the same prospective client,” said Supreme Council Insurance Director Gerry Kaur. Television... Read More

Fetus Only A Blob Of Tissue, Says 47-Year-Old Blob Of Tissue

June 5, 2014 by  
Filed under Politics

While reiterating  that a fetus is nothing more than a blob of tissue, a 47-year-old blob of tissue today told a gathering of the Planned Parenthood Clergy Advisory Board that a fetus is only a human being in potential. “We must remember that until a fetus has a heart and a brain, it is not a human being” said the aged mass of cells, who, despite her age, was lacking a heart and brain herself. The aged mass of cells who was nothing more than a product... Read More

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