BREAKING: Vatican To Posthumously Grant Henry VIII Annulment; Queen To Dissolve Church Of England  

Sources in the Vatican are now confirming that Pope Francis has agreed to posthumously grant King Henry VIII an annulment from Catherine of Aragon. Numerous reports have come out in the past couple of days about the possibility of such a move, with aides close to Queen Elizabeth telling EOTT that such a decision on the Vatican’s part would essentially end the centuries old schism. Media outlets in England are also reporting that once the annulment... Read More

Elderly Woman Mumbling Words Of Consecration From Pew

Parishioners at the Catholic parish of St. Adelaide let out a sigh of relief during Mass this morning after parishioner Veronica Hough validated the consecration by mumbling the words of institution along with the priest. Many parishioners reported to EOTT after the Mass that they were afraid 74-year-old Hough had forgotten her duty as co-consecrator after parish priest Fr. Ronald Sterling began the consecration without her. “There was a couple seconds... Read More

Pope Francis Confirms Cats Still Going To Hell

Pope Francis continues to show he’s not your average pope. During a public appearance this afternoon, Francis attempted to comfort a girl whose cat had died, saying, “One day, we will see our animals again in the eternity of Christ. Paradise is open to all of God’s creatures. All of them except for cats. In that case, little girl, the only way you will see your cat again is if you reject God’s grace and end up in hell.” The Pope’s... Read More

8-Year-Old Boy Escapes From Shawshank Cathedral Cry Room

A routine Sunday morning for the Dufresne family took a sudden turn last week after 8-year-old Andrew Dufresne escaped from the cry room of Shawshank Cathedral in Maine. Dufresne, who reportedly told longtime friend Red McKenna last week that he had a “rock solid” plan to escape the cry room if he was ever wrongly placed there again, was missing from the cry room when his parents arrived after Mass to take him home. Parental authorities reported a... Read More

Pope’s New Crossguard Lightsaber Crosier Stirring Up Controversy With Liturgical Purists

VATICAN — Vatican television took the liturgical world by storm last Friday by giving Catholics their very first official look at a short teaser trailer from the upcoming papal Christmas Mass. Focusing much of the trailer on new cantors and deacons that will play a role in the Mass, the 88-second Christmas Mass teaser had many excited about Christmas. But along with those feelings of Christmas ecstasy came some controversy with liturgical purists... Read More