Ireland Approves Reentry Of Snakes Into Country By Popular Vote

Ireland overwhelmingly approved a referendum to allow “snakes” back in the country on Saturday, becoming the first country in the world to allow such a move by popular vote. Though the final tally is yet unknown, the referendum achieved the support of an estimated 65 percent of the population. Michael Fitzpatrick, prominent supporter of the “Hell No” campaign, conceded the referendum’s defeat Saturday morning. “It is a sad day now that Ireland... Read More

Parishioner Believes She Might Have Just Understood A Word Visiting Nigerian Priest Said During Homily

Claiming that she was almost certain she had comprehend a word the new visiting Nigerian priest used during the homily, longtime parishioner Abby Longworth excitedly turned to friends and fellow parishioners today to inform them of the good news. “I wouldn’t put my life on it, but I think he said ‘magisterium,’” Longworth whispered to parishioners, adding that she thinks he may have also used the word “obedient,” which, if her assumption... Read More

Study Finds That Tripping Over Vestments And Falling On Face During Mass Sucks A Lot

According to a new study by the USCCB, tripping over your vestments while walking to the altar before falling face first in front of everyone you just passive-aggressively burned during the homily for not donating enough sucks big time. “Of the priests that we studied, almost all of them showed signs suggesting that gracefully ascending the steps to the altar as planned is much better than getting your feet caught in your vestments, then stumbling for... Read More

Christian Radio Show Host Claims God Sending Drought, Disease To Punish Us For “Pitch Perfect 2”

Christian radio show host Rick Wiles said on his show yesterday that God is using bird flu and other viruses, along with the California drought, to punish America until it decides that it will never ever allow another Pitch Perfect movie. “Add it up: Bird flu is killing tens of millions of birds and California is in the throes of a mega-drought unlike anything seen in over 1,200 years,” Wiles said. “And this just so happens to be occurring just as... Read More

Parishioner Just Going To Sit On Toilet Until Annual Catholic Appeal Homily Over

Deciding that he would go to the restroom and simply sit on the toilet for the next 15 to 20 minutes, local Catholic Jay Anderson confirmed to reporters that he would indeed be back in his pew just as soon as this year’s Annual Catholic Appeal homily was over. “I typically love these homilies,” a smirking Anderson said, adding that nothing in the world was more edifying than listening to the deacon talk about cash for 20 straight minutes. “I guess... Read More

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